The 2nd leg (2nd match) of the round of 16 was played this past week and the final 8 of the tournament is all set. A quick rundown on the tournament's format once it gets down to 16 teams and beyond: 2 clubs are drawn out of the pot at random, when two clubs are paired they then play a home-away first and second leg. Whichever club has the higher aggregate score from these two matches advances. However, in the event of a tied aggregate score the team with more away goals advances. For a full explanation of the "away goals rule" used by the UEFA, check out http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Away_goals_rule
For example, Liverpool was matched against defending champions Barcelona FC in the round of 16. The first leg was played at Barcelona and Liverpool won 2-1, so chalk up 2 'away' goals for my boys. Fast forward to this week, match at Anfield, and Barcelona needs to score 2 goals to advance.....they ended up scoring a goal in the 74th minute (so now the aggregate is tied at 2-2) but Liverpool is still well-placed to advance because they own the advantage in away goals 2-1 still. Another 20 minutes elapses (during which time Ronaldhino absolutely smokes the ball at the goal, only for it to glance off the post.....their best chance at a W), all the rabid englishmen sing "You'll Never Walk Alone", and Liverpool is bound for the final 8.
Two other English sides made it to the final 8, Chelsea and Manchester United, although none of the 3 clubs are matched against each other in the quarter-finals. The dancing arrangements for the big party:
AC Milan vs. Bayern Munich- Bayern knocked out the Beckham-less Real Madrid side to advance.
PSV Eindhoven vs. Liverpool- Eindhoven advances after beating EPL club Arsenal. Not only did Arsenal lose the match, they also lost striker Thierry Henry for the rest of the season. ouch. Liverpool captain Steven Gerrard (aka My Man Crush or Superman, whichever you prefer) was ecstatic after the Barcelona result, having said during the week leading up to the match that holding off defending champions Barcelona was going to be a harder task than beating AC Milan in the Champions League final 2 years ago. Done and done.
AC Roma vs. Man United- Roma advanced by beating French side Lyon, while EPL leaders Man United took care of Lille.
Chelsea vs. Valencia- Chelsea beat FC Porto by a 3-2 aggregate to advance. While Chelsea is the two-time defending EPL champions, they have never even advanced to the Champions League final match let alone come away with the hardware. Spanish side Valencia advanced by winning on a 1-1 aggregate but taking the aways goal advantage from Serie A club Inter Milan. Towards the end of their 2nd leg match players from Valencia and Inter absolutely went at it, with players exchanging kicks and punches. The fracas then spilled into the tunnel by which players depart the playing field. UEFA is currently investigating the brawl to see if any suspensions will be made.
The round of 8 will be played from April 3-11, and the schedule is as appears below (all matches are played at 2:45pm Eastern Standard Time):
Tuesday April 3, 2007
Bayern Munich at AC Milan
Liverpool at PSV Eindhoven
Wednesday April 4, 2007
Valencia at Chelsea
Manchester United at Roma
Tuesday April 10, 2007
Valencia at Chelsea
Roma at Manchester United
Wednesday April 11, 2007
AC Milan at Bayern Munich
PSV Eindhoven at Liverpool
Note- there might be an error on ESPN because they have both matches being played between Chelsea and Valencia at Stamford Bridge (Chelsea's home field)....I'll check out if that's a mistake.
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
XI. Bad decisions abound..
Some random thoughts….
-I’m sure we all remember John Arne Riise, the Liverpool defender who gets into fights at Karaoke bars and gets golf clubs swung at him by teammates...anyway it appears that J.A.R. is also something of a lady’s man in his native country of Norway. Back in 2005 Norwegian newspapers reported that J.A.R. had stones big enough to get the phone numbers of several different Norwegian celebrity women and send them all the exact same text message.
The actual content of the text message sent to all these smoking hot women wasn’t exactly Shakespeare. (Note- text message is translated from Norwegian) "Good evening... After a lot of calling to all kinds of contacts, I finally got your number. I have always thought you are very charming, cute, sexy, fantastic aura, and last but not least, you seem exciting and challenging;) hope we can get in touch, and I will of course invite you on a romantic dinner for two;) kiss from John Arne Riise xxx".
Not to limit the damaging effect of sending a text that appears to have beeen written by a 12 year old with a raging case of hormones, he sent this message to SEVERAL women. He was subsequently ripped apart by the media for his text messaged romantic overtures and J.A.R. no longer gives interviews about anything other than football. Check out the modern day Cassanova with his ex-wife though, not too shabby. http://www.vg.no/bilder/edrum/1128487370603_531.jpg
-Craig Bellamy, the Liverpool striker who was the chap swinging the golf club at John Arne Riise, has been dubbed with a new nickname by the European press. The press had previously referred to him as Craig “The Baby Eater” Bellamy….fact. The press now refers to him as “The Nutter with the Putter”……also fact. I think all of our lives are a little better for knowing that.
-Would it be possible for the good people at Facebook and MySpace to attach some sort of electronic breathalyzer test on their website that has to be passed for a user to log in anytime between 2am and 5am? If passing a breathalyzer test isn’t feasible, could they design some sort of aptitude test for the log-in screen that will trip up anyone who isn’t completely sober? Because I feel that some sort of test of sobriety is essential to prevent the alarming rate of random 4am Facebook posts that are flying around these days. Has there ever been anyone ever who didn’t regret something that they thought was hysterical after 36 twisted tea’s but found to be just a little (or a lot) awkward the next morning?
Chances are that any late night Facebook/MySpace post by a dude occurs under the following regrettable conditions; you’re drunk, you’re tired, you just left a bar where they luckily had $9 Bud Light night, the bar was staffed by people who work for 1-800-MORE-DUDES.com, you talked to your friends (who are coincidentally also dudes) for the past 4 hours, and you just want to check out Facebook/MySpace so that you don’t forget what a female actually looks like. Then in your abject loneliness you start thinking either “hey my buddy’s little sister is looking very mature” or “I remember this chick used to sweat me bad 6 years and 45 pounds ago” and so you type in some message that sounds great in your head and looks great at 4am, but then you frantically check Facebook/MySpace in the morning because you’re sure you wrote something stupid last night but you have no f-ing clue what it was. “Hey woman, I was just thinking about that time sophomore year when we were making out to ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ and then we went back to my place and didn’t hook up because I passed out. What a love-life night! So what are you up to these days, give me a holler.” Does this sound familiar to every single person? If you say no you’re clearly lying.
-The Carling Cup was played this past Sunday and Chelsea triumphed over Arsenal 2-1 behind 2 goals from Didier Drogba. There were a couple scuffles and three total red cards (player thrown out of the game) were given, which means this match was heated.
John Terry is a defender for Chelsea and had a hell of a day….
”Terry made the starting line-up for Chelsea in the Carling Cup final. Going forward for a corner in the second half, he threw himself at the ball with a diving header; Arsenal's Abou Diaby, in an attempt to clear the ball, kicked Terry in the face with tremendous force. Terry was unconscious for several minutes. He was carried off the field on a stretcher and immediately transferred to the University Hospital of Wales, where he was successfully treated. Terry discharged himself the same day and returned to the Millennium Stadium to celebrate his team's 2-1 win. The only recollection Terry has of the second half is walking out onto the pitch and does not remember the 10 minutes he played prior to his injury.”
When the report says that Terry was taken off on a stretcher they mean the serious stretcher, with his head immobilized and everything, not like when the trainers bring out a stretcher to cart injured players off the field who are rolling around and grimacing for several minutes only for the player to hop nimbly off the stretcher as soon as the staff starts carrying him off the pitch. Uh uh, this dude Terry was OUT. So what happens this coming Saturday? Chelsea has a match and Terry is feeling well enough to start in the match, a week after sustaining a serious concussion (clearly a great decision). The guy who kicked him in the face to cause the concussion? Abou Diaby is out injured for Arsenal’s match this Saturday because he injured his ankle while inadvertently giving John Terry a mouthful of cleats.
Question time…
Is the movie “300” going to change movie making forever? Why am I so excited to see it?
-R. Dot
It might be a bit of an understatement to say that 300 will be the greatest movie ever. We’ve both read the graphic novel by Frank Miller (author of the Sin City graphic novels as well) so we know to expect at least 6-8 scenes in the movie that will be better than anything you’ve ever seen before, guaranteed. It is curious that 300 is not being directed by Robert Rodriguez, the director of Sin City, but I’m sure it will rock anyway. I know that I personally am excited to listen to the movie’s soundtrack on my Ipod while running around central park slaying imaginary Persian warriors. Incidentally I also expect this movie to break every record held for “number of lone un-showered men wearing trench coats and breathing heavily in attendance.”
Why do some professional athletes (mainly NBA) still find it necessary to ride around with guns the size of Lil Bow Wow in their vehicles when they are making millions of dollars?
-Chet
NBA players carry enough weaponry to invade the Netherlands because they want to make sure they scare off every single white male viewer between the ages of 16-75 because they are not content with the fact that there are still several dozen white folks out there that watch the NBA. No, I’m just kidding. Though I do have to say I find it mildly hysterical to turn on TNT and watch J.R. Smith and DerMarr Johnson of the Denver Nuggets fly down the court against Ronnie Brewer and Jarron Collins of the Utah Jazz in front of 20,000 petrified Mormons. The fear in the arena is palpable.
In truth I think that athletes and NBA players in particular find it necessary to carry around burners because their sport is now inextricably linked to the Hip-Hop scene. While secretly every rapper and hip-hop artist out there would be an NBA player if they could, it’s also true that conversely most NBA players would love nothing more than to be part of the rap industry. Ok so Shaq, Ron Artest, and Steve Kerr made some horrendous rap albums, what does that prove? (Steve Kerr didn’t actually cut a rap album) It doesn’t prove much, because the actual guys who try and make rap music or other beats aren’t the point; it’s the idea that NBA players have embraced the values of the hip-hop industry.
There are several facets of the hip-hop scene that mesh well with the NBA; NBA ballers already have the big bootied girls, they’ve already got the fantastic amounts of cash, and they’ve already got the big cars. What the hip-hop industry brought them is the salient point; that toting around guns is cooler than ice cream. I mean, I bet even Nick Cannon has some kind of gun. The white guy from Fort Minor? He’s strapped. Kevin Federerline’s entourage? They’re all packing. I’ll eat a spam sandwich if you can name one song by Young Jeezy that does not refer to him being the biggest f*cking drug dealer ever as well as the perpetrator of over 76,843,219 murders. These NBA players eat that crap up, so in turn we now have at least 25 teams in the NBA that could pull double duty as SWAT teams.
What the gun-carrying is primarily about is that NBA players don’t want to lose face with the fans in the urban and inner-city market. Let’s look at Shaq for example, who is arguably the most famous current NBA player. Rick Barry, a former NBA player with a career free throw percentage of 90%, offered to teach the perpetually awful Shaq to shoot his free throws under-handed, a move that would guarantee Shaq a huge leap in his free throw accuracy. Shaq refused the offer because he claimed he wouldn’t look cool doing it, even though he would likely have gone from a 25ppg scorer in his prime to anywhere upwards of 31ppg. Shaq didn’t want to hurt his street image by shooting free throws under-handed, which I find ironic after he made ‘Kazaam.’
We could talk about the scene at this past week’s NBA All-Star Weekend for days and days, but the facts are that over 360 arrests were made that weekend with 6 different shootings being reported, although nobody was shot fatally. Now THAT is how to keep it real. So when NBA players concentrate you might want to break out some sort of bulletproof gear.
The thing is, it’s not necessarily the NBA players who are causing the problem, it’s simply that they are so integrated with the hip-hop scene that it’s hard to tell what is and isn’t their fault anymore. The NBA culture has changed to the point that any NBA event that doesn’t involve rappers or hip-hop artists, with the ensuing violence and baby-daddy-drama, is a huge surprise.
The reason the public hears about so many players carrying weapons is due to the NBA players having adopted the hip-hop culture as their own. Or maybe they were street to begin with, who knows, but it’s getting redundant to hear about another famous athlete shooting up a club. It is also hysterical though, so let’s take a look at some of the more notorious offenders:
-Even though he’s an NFL player, how could I leave the aptly named Tank Johnson off this list. He owns a LOT of guns.
-Although Ron Artest has kept his legal troubles on the court (where they belong!) and hasn’t shot up any clubs yet, I feely fairly confident in predicting Ron-Ron’s involvement in a fatal recording studio shooting incident within the next 3 calendar years. Also, did you know that K-Fed sold more copies of his album than Ron-Ron sold of his own album? Ouch.
-After terrorizing corn-fed white people in Indiana for years Stephen Jackson was traded to the Golden State Warriors, so he’s now doing his damage in Oakland. Oakland and “Crazy Steve” cannot be a healthy mix, seeing as how I’ve lost track of the number of the number of night clubs he has shot up. Back in the day my main man also played his cards right financially; after winning the NBA Finals with the Spurs, as a free agent Crazy Steve turned down something like a 25 million dollar contract to resign with the Spurs only to end up signing with the Atlanta Hawks for somewhere around 2 million dollars. So at least he has shown good negotiation skills, which will be useful in prison.
-Not to be outshone by Stephen Jackson, his old teammate on the Indianapolis Pacers Marquis Daniels has helped himself to extra servings of crazy as well. I’ll briefly mention the fact that Marquis shot up a night club recently, which marks the 3,412th time a member of the Pacers has shot up a club in the greater Indianapolis area. What I really want to talk about is Daniels’ tattoos; these tattoos range from an “extremely detailed” map of Florida that covers his entire back (is this an example of Urban Geography?), a disturbing caricature of a man blowing his head off with a shotgun on his right arm, and Chinese characters on his left arm that were intended to represent his initials but when translated into English the symbols actually mean “healthy woman roof.” I am 100% serious. Marquis Daniels, we salute you.
-Although it doesn’t involve a firearm I have to mention my personal hero Eddie Griffin (the basketball player, not the actor from the Miller Lite “man law” commercials). Eddie, who has a history of violence and alcoholism (key ingredients in any top-flight player), crashed his SUV a year ago in rather unusual circumstances: while driving drunk he was watching a porn movie on dvd and was masturbating. While he was “mid-coitus” with himself he rammed into another car. The cops came, and the greatest car accident ever got reported. Eddie didn’t get a DUI though because the cops knew who he was and let him go, so the case is actually still under investigation.
-Another NFL player bears mentioning: Bengals WR Chris Henry was arrested for threatening a crowd of people outside a nightclub with a gun before fleeing the scene. How were police able to identify the guilty part? Henry was wearing his own Bengals #15 jersey, with his name on the back, while waving the shooting iron around.
-I’m sure we all remember John Arne Riise, the Liverpool defender who gets into fights at Karaoke bars and gets golf clubs swung at him by teammates...anyway it appears that J.A.R. is also something of a lady’s man in his native country of Norway. Back in 2005 Norwegian newspapers reported that J.A.R. had stones big enough to get the phone numbers of several different Norwegian celebrity women and send them all the exact same text message.
The actual content of the text message sent to all these smoking hot women wasn’t exactly Shakespeare. (Note- text message is translated from Norwegian) "Good evening... After a lot of calling to all kinds of contacts, I finally got your number. I have always thought you are very charming, cute, sexy, fantastic aura, and last but not least, you seem exciting and challenging;) hope we can get in touch, and I will of course invite you on a romantic dinner for two;) kiss from John Arne Riise xxx".
Not to limit the damaging effect of sending a text that appears to have beeen written by a 12 year old with a raging case of hormones, he sent this message to SEVERAL women. He was subsequently ripped apart by the media for his text messaged romantic overtures and J.A.R. no longer gives interviews about anything other than football. Check out the modern day Cassanova with his ex-wife though, not too shabby. http://www.vg.no/bilder/edrum/1128487370603_531.jpg
-Craig Bellamy, the Liverpool striker who was the chap swinging the golf club at John Arne Riise, has been dubbed with a new nickname by the European press. The press had previously referred to him as Craig “The Baby Eater” Bellamy….fact. The press now refers to him as “The Nutter with the Putter”……also fact. I think all of our lives are a little better for knowing that.
-Would it be possible for the good people at Facebook and MySpace to attach some sort of electronic breathalyzer test on their website that has to be passed for a user to log in anytime between 2am and 5am? If passing a breathalyzer test isn’t feasible, could they design some sort of aptitude test for the log-in screen that will trip up anyone who isn’t completely sober? Because I feel that some sort of test of sobriety is essential to prevent the alarming rate of random 4am Facebook posts that are flying around these days. Has there ever been anyone ever who didn’t regret something that they thought was hysterical after 36 twisted tea’s but found to be just a little (or a lot) awkward the next morning?
Chances are that any late night Facebook/MySpace post by a dude occurs under the following regrettable conditions; you’re drunk, you’re tired, you just left a bar where they luckily had $9 Bud Light night, the bar was staffed by people who work for 1-800-MORE-DUDES.com, you talked to your friends (who are coincidentally also dudes) for the past 4 hours, and you just want to check out Facebook/MySpace so that you don’t forget what a female actually looks like. Then in your abject loneliness you start thinking either “hey my buddy’s little sister is looking very mature” or “I remember this chick used to sweat me bad 6 years and 45 pounds ago” and so you type in some message that sounds great in your head and looks great at 4am, but then you frantically check Facebook/MySpace in the morning because you’re sure you wrote something stupid last night but you have no f-ing clue what it was. “Hey woman, I was just thinking about that time sophomore year when we were making out to ‘Pour Some Sugar on Me’ and then we went back to my place and didn’t hook up because I passed out. What a love-life night! So what are you up to these days, give me a holler.” Does this sound familiar to every single person? If you say no you’re clearly lying.
-The Carling Cup was played this past Sunday and Chelsea triumphed over Arsenal 2-1 behind 2 goals from Didier Drogba. There were a couple scuffles and three total red cards (player thrown out of the game) were given, which means this match was heated.
John Terry is a defender for Chelsea and had a hell of a day….
”Terry made the starting line-up for Chelsea in the Carling Cup final. Going forward for a corner in the second half, he threw himself at the ball with a diving header; Arsenal's Abou Diaby, in an attempt to clear the ball, kicked Terry in the face with tremendous force. Terry was unconscious for several minutes. He was carried off the field on a stretcher and immediately transferred to the University Hospital of Wales, where he was successfully treated. Terry discharged himself the same day and returned to the Millennium Stadium to celebrate his team's 2-1 win. The only recollection Terry has of the second half is walking out onto the pitch and does not remember the 10 minutes he played prior to his injury.”
When the report says that Terry was taken off on a stretcher they mean the serious stretcher, with his head immobilized and everything, not like when the trainers bring out a stretcher to cart injured players off the field who are rolling around and grimacing for several minutes only for the player to hop nimbly off the stretcher as soon as the staff starts carrying him off the pitch. Uh uh, this dude Terry was OUT. So what happens this coming Saturday? Chelsea has a match and Terry is feeling well enough to start in the match, a week after sustaining a serious concussion (clearly a great decision). The guy who kicked him in the face to cause the concussion? Abou Diaby is out injured for Arsenal’s match this Saturday because he injured his ankle while inadvertently giving John Terry a mouthful of cleats.
Question time…
Is the movie “300” going to change movie making forever? Why am I so excited to see it?
-R. Dot
It might be a bit of an understatement to say that 300 will be the greatest movie ever. We’ve both read the graphic novel by Frank Miller (author of the Sin City graphic novels as well) so we know to expect at least 6-8 scenes in the movie that will be better than anything you’ve ever seen before, guaranteed. It is curious that 300 is not being directed by Robert Rodriguez, the director of Sin City, but I’m sure it will rock anyway. I know that I personally am excited to listen to the movie’s soundtrack on my Ipod while running around central park slaying imaginary Persian warriors. Incidentally I also expect this movie to break every record held for “number of lone un-showered men wearing trench coats and breathing heavily in attendance.”
Why do some professional athletes (mainly NBA) still find it necessary to ride around with guns the size of Lil Bow Wow in their vehicles when they are making millions of dollars?
-Chet
NBA players carry enough weaponry to invade the Netherlands because they want to make sure they scare off every single white male viewer between the ages of 16-75 because they are not content with the fact that there are still several dozen white folks out there that watch the NBA. No, I’m just kidding. Though I do have to say I find it mildly hysterical to turn on TNT and watch J.R. Smith and DerMarr Johnson of the Denver Nuggets fly down the court against Ronnie Brewer and Jarron Collins of the Utah Jazz in front of 20,000 petrified Mormons. The fear in the arena is palpable.
In truth I think that athletes and NBA players in particular find it necessary to carry around burners because their sport is now inextricably linked to the Hip-Hop scene. While secretly every rapper and hip-hop artist out there would be an NBA player if they could, it’s also true that conversely most NBA players would love nothing more than to be part of the rap industry. Ok so Shaq, Ron Artest, and Steve Kerr made some horrendous rap albums, what does that prove? (Steve Kerr didn’t actually cut a rap album) It doesn’t prove much, because the actual guys who try and make rap music or other beats aren’t the point; it’s the idea that NBA players have embraced the values of the hip-hop industry.
There are several facets of the hip-hop scene that mesh well with the NBA; NBA ballers already have the big bootied girls, they’ve already got the fantastic amounts of cash, and they’ve already got the big cars. What the hip-hop industry brought them is the salient point; that toting around guns is cooler than ice cream. I mean, I bet even Nick Cannon has some kind of gun. The white guy from Fort Minor? He’s strapped. Kevin Federerline’s entourage? They’re all packing. I’ll eat a spam sandwich if you can name one song by Young Jeezy that does not refer to him being the biggest f*cking drug dealer ever as well as the perpetrator of over 76,843,219 murders. These NBA players eat that crap up, so in turn we now have at least 25 teams in the NBA that could pull double duty as SWAT teams.
What the gun-carrying is primarily about is that NBA players don’t want to lose face with the fans in the urban and inner-city market. Let’s look at Shaq for example, who is arguably the most famous current NBA player. Rick Barry, a former NBA player with a career free throw percentage of 90%, offered to teach the perpetually awful Shaq to shoot his free throws under-handed, a move that would guarantee Shaq a huge leap in his free throw accuracy. Shaq refused the offer because he claimed he wouldn’t look cool doing it, even though he would likely have gone from a 25ppg scorer in his prime to anywhere upwards of 31ppg. Shaq didn’t want to hurt his street image by shooting free throws under-handed, which I find ironic after he made ‘Kazaam.’
We could talk about the scene at this past week’s NBA All-Star Weekend for days and days, but the facts are that over 360 arrests were made that weekend with 6 different shootings being reported, although nobody was shot fatally. Now THAT is how to keep it real. So when NBA players concentrate you might want to break out some sort of bulletproof gear.
The thing is, it’s not necessarily the NBA players who are causing the problem, it’s simply that they are so integrated with the hip-hop scene that it’s hard to tell what is and isn’t their fault anymore. The NBA culture has changed to the point that any NBA event that doesn’t involve rappers or hip-hop artists, with the ensuing violence and baby-daddy-drama, is a huge surprise.
The reason the public hears about so many players carrying weapons is due to the NBA players having adopted the hip-hop culture as their own. Or maybe they were street to begin with, who knows, but it’s getting redundant to hear about another famous athlete shooting up a club. It is also hysterical though, so let’s take a look at some of the more notorious offenders:
-Even though he’s an NFL player, how could I leave the aptly named Tank Johnson off this list. He owns a LOT of guns.
-Although Ron Artest has kept his legal troubles on the court (where they belong!) and hasn’t shot up any clubs yet, I feely fairly confident in predicting Ron-Ron’s involvement in a fatal recording studio shooting incident within the next 3 calendar years. Also, did you know that K-Fed sold more copies of his album than Ron-Ron sold of his own album? Ouch.
-After terrorizing corn-fed white people in Indiana for years Stephen Jackson was traded to the Golden State Warriors, so he’s now doing his damage in Oakland. Oakland and “Crazy Steve” cannot be a healthy mix, seeing as how I’ve lost track of the number of the number of night clubs he has shot up. Back in the day my main man also played his cards right financially; after winning the NBA Finals with the Spurs, as a free agent Crazy Steve turned down something like a 25 million dollar contract to resign with the Spurs only to end up signing with the Atlanta Hawks for somewhere around 2 million dollars. So at least he has shown good negotiation skills, which will be useful in prison.
-Not to be outshone by Stephen Jackson, his old teammate on the Indianapolis Pacers Marquis Daniels has helped himself to extra servings of crazy as well. I’ll briefly mention the fact that Marquis shot up a night club recently, which marks the 3,412th time a member of the Pacers has shot up a club in the greater Indianapolis area. What I really want to talk about is Daniels’ tattoos; these tattoos range from an “extremely detailed” map of Florida that covers his entire back (is this an example of Urban Geography?), a disturbing caricature of a man blowing his head off with a shotgun on his right arm, and Chinese characters on his left arm that were intended to represent his initials but when translated into English the symbols actually mean “healthy woman roof.” I am 100% serious. Marquis Daniels, we salute you.
-Although it doesn’t involve a firearm I have to mention my personal hero Eddie Griffin (the basketball player, not the actor from the Miller Lite “man law” commercials). Eddie, who has a history of violence and alcoholism (key ingredients in any top-flight player), crashed his SUV a year ago in rather unusual circumstances: while driving drunk he was watching a porn movie on dvd and was masturbating. While he was “mid-coitus” with himself he rammed into another car. The cops came, and the greatest car accident ever got reported. Eddie didn’t get a DUI though because the cops knew who he was and let him go, so the case is actually still under investigation.
-Another NFL player bears mentioning: Bengals WR Chris Henry was arrested for threatening a crowd of people outside a nightclub with a gun before fleeing the scene. How were police able to identify the guilty part? Henry was wearing his own Bengals #15 jersey, with his name on the back, while waving the shooting iron around.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
X. The Trial of John Q
Is it common for a person to be a fan of the Yankees and the Patriots? How does a connection like this start despite the fan in question not being from either New York or northern New England?
-Santa’s Helper
The question refers to John Q., a Southerner and longtime resident of Connecticut who has since been transplanted to Boston. The question stems from their different sports affiliations; Santa’s Helper is a big yanks fan and a former batboy for the club (his all-time favorite clubhouse player remains Tino Martinez), and John Q is a big yanks fan as well.....the schism between the 2 guys occurs when we stray into NFL loyalties; Santa’s Helper is an avid Jets fan whereas John Q is a Pats fan. Now, is it common for a person to be a fan of both the Yankees and the Patriots? Most likely not, but I think we need to examine whether or not it is acceptable for a person to be a fan of the yanks and pats; that’s the real issue.
Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy on ESPN, aka the guy who people will accuse me of stealing material from because he is a good writer under the age of 40 who writes about every topic under the sun) has often talked about “sports bigamy” and how it’s an unpardonable sin and how fans who are sports bigamists are losers and yadda yadda yadda. An example of sports bigamy: a 49er’s fan that also roots for the Chiefs because Larry Johnson is the ‘best running back with serious daddy issues’ ever. In short, a sports bigamist is one who roots for two teams that can potentially compete against each other, so clearly John Q is not guilty of sports bigamy for rooting for a football team from beantown and a baseball club from the Bronx. Maybe a better description of John Q’s sports situation might be “conflicting sports interests.”
For the sake of this argument, I’m going to make some assumptions because we’re dealing with a conflict between 2 different sports and thus different fan bases for each sport. I assume that (A) Patriots fans, being from the New England sticks, are largely Red Sox fans….(B) Yankees fans, being based around the Tri-state area, are largely Jets/Giants fans.
Anyone who has ever had a pulse and even the faintest appreciation for the majesty of athletic competition knows that the first principle of being a true fan is to sit on your ass and badmouth the rivals of your team. So where does this leave John Q- does he rip on the Jets (the Patriots chief AFC East rivals) when he’s kicking it with other Yankees fans on a 95 degree day in the Bronx? Sure, of course, absolutely, and YES. But the crux of the situation is this; what does John Q do when he’s at a Patriots game, or some Boston bahh, surrounded by patriots/red sox fans and they start ripping on the Yankees (an inevitable situation)? My guess is that he tucks his junk behind his legs (a la Buffalo Bill) and settles into a respectful silence. After all, the guys badmouthing the yanks are Patriots fans; they’re his boys in some respect, right?
There is a wide spectrum of intensity exhibited by different fans of different teams: some guys who claim to be fans care a little too much, while others just go through the motions of being a fan and really don’t give 2 craps about the team, and still other people are fans of sports in general but don’t pledge themselves to one particular team, they just go through a series of Fan One-Night-Stands. Just looking at some people I know I can get a feel for the differences between the casual fan and the real deal. Sparkles is a Jets “fan” who thinks Wayne Chrebet is still on the team, doesn’t have the slightest idea when the team plays, if told the NFL season runs from April to August would probably agree, and thinks that an NFL game is 4 innings long. Back in college R.Dot owned a Red Sox hat, told everyone what a big Mets fan he was, but went to Yankees games. On the other side of the fan spectrum, MattLo knows the name of every Georgetown men’s basketball player dating back to 1963, openly wept when he met Craig Esherick, and has been known to sleep in his Georgetown shorts for several weeks running….so maybe he cares just a little too much. Where does each of us fit in the fan spectrum? More to the point of this article, what does it mean to be a “good” or quality supporter of your team and do conflicting interests ruin a person’s best intentions as a fan?
The best part of being a fan for any team, be it the East Mannesquan's womens Ice Hockey team or the New York Giants, is that you care about that team. You care whether they win or lose, you care whether or not they’re a team you can really get behind (try being a Knicks fan these days, I dare you), you care if a beloved player leaves the team, and you really really really care when some douschebag has the gall to talk crap about your team. It then becomes your responsibility and duty as an American to man the trenches and fire back in defense of your team. There are some situations where keeping your mouth shut is excusable for safety’s sake (see: BC student at UConn game; visiting team's fan at Giants Stadium after Eli just threw his 4th interception and the fat guys in LT jerseys are getting restless; white supremacist in Compton; a fan of Santa and the Christmas spirit at an Eagle’s home game; etc.) but these occasions when keeping your mouth shut is Ok are few and far between.
I think John Q is a good fan of each of his teams individually. He follows both teams avidly, and while he might not be the most knowledgeable fan ever (he has been known to plagiarize his positions on sports issues directly from ESPN) he certainly seems to care about his teams, but the conflict between the two opposing fan bases is real and tactile. You can see for yourself the next time you go to a yanks game and a guy walks in wearing a patriots jersey, or a guy walks into a boston bar wearing a Giants shirt; the other fans see it and they do NOT approve. I find John Q guilty of sports confliction, because chances are he has sat idly by and listened to some Boston schlub rant about the hated Yankees without speaking up in their defense (what should be his defense, if you can dig it).
Now, because I preach equality and the American Dream, I will put up some of John Q’s statements in his defense…..everything below is his material. I sent him an email asking him for his favorite yanks player, patriots player, where he was born (why is he a pats/yanks fan) yadda yadda yadda….
John Q’s Defense
I’ll fire this to you real quick, I’m exceedingly busy (been working 12 hour days) but I’ll make time for this,
Favorite Yankee Player: My Main Man Melky (Cabrera), I heart this kid in a big way, he’s a love life kind of guy and who doesn’t remember that AWESOME catch he made against the red sux over the wall to rob Manny of the home run? I get goosebumps thinking about it. Also, I heard he shares an apartment in New Jersey with Robinson Cano; Cmac and myself turned that into a running gag that they live in a studio apartment together in some slummy part of NJ, where they absolutely destroy, how can I say this, voluptuous dark women. How could you not love this guy, I don’t even think he can speak English, so Cano’s nice enough to translate for him while they’re at the club macking game on those women that they then take back to the 5th floor walk-up studio.
Favorite Patriot Player: Tom Brady, it used to be Troy Brown, but now that I know T-Brad-Y is having a kid out of wedlock with a former girlfriend I can’t help but love it! For some reason I get the feeling that he’s going to be a real deadbeat dad and go against the golden boy image that way, like flying into a drunken rage at his kids birthday party at the Discovery Zone that he wasn’t invited to, and hiding in the ball pit until the cops drag him out, like something that you see on Cops: Rhode Island.
State I was born in: Many people think that I was born in “Hot-lanta”, this is actually a misconception I run into fairly often, while I am from the “dirty dirty” I was actually born in Raleigh, North Carolina, home of UNC, Wake Forest, and your favorite team ever Duke! Up until kindergarten it was home to me. Just in case you were wondering, Raleigh’s top exports are= gun violence, soybeans, and me.
Favorite part of going to a Yankee’s game: Oh man, where to begin on this one. It’s either routinely blacking out by the 5th inning, the rampant and often unruly betting action that takes place (wagering on such things as which 8 year old will be the first one to reach the bottom of the bleacher stairs), telling R.Dot that “this is the week we do the 9-9-9” which if you don’t know is the marathon of drinking nine beers, eating nine hot dogs, over the course of nine innings; it’s impossible I’m sure, like me climbing Everest or you giving up alcohol. I think the best thing about going to a Yankee’s game is laughing hysterically when members of our group scream at 12 year olds in Red Sox jerseys.
-Santa’s Helper
The question refers to John Q., a Southerner and longtime resident of Connecticut who has since been transplanted to Boston. The question stems from their different sports affiliations; Santa’s Helper is a big yanks fan and a former batboy for the club (his all-time favorite clubhouse player remains Tino Martinez), and John Q is a big yanks fan as well.....the schism between the 2 guys occurs when we stray into NFL loyalties; Santa’s Helper is an avid Jets fan whereas John Q is a Pats fan. Now, is it common for a person to be a fan of both the Yankees and the Patriots? Most likely not, but I think we need to examine whether or not it is acceptable for a person to be a fan of the yanks and pats; that’s the real issue.
Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy on ESPN, aka the guy who people will accuse me of stealing material from because he is a good writer under the age of 40 who writes about every topic under the sun) has often talked about “sports bigamy” and how it’s an unpardonable sin and how fans who are sports bigamists are losers and yadda yadda yadda. An example of sports bigamy: a 49er’s fan that also roots for the Chiefs because Larry Johnson is the ‘best running back with serious daddy issues’ ever. In short, a sports bigamist is one who roots for two teams that can potentially compete against each other, so clearly John Q is not guilty of sports bigamy for rooting for a football team from beantown and a baseball club from the Bronx. Maybe a better description of John Q’s sports situation might be “conflicting sports interests.”
For the sake of this argument, I’m going to make some assumptions because we’re dealing with a conflict between 2 different sports and thus different fan bases for each sport. I assume that (A) Patriots fans, being from the New England sticks, are largely Red Sox fans….(B) Yankees fans, being based around the Tri-state area, are largely Jets/Giants fans.
Anyone who has ever had a pulse and even the faintest appreciation for the majesty of athletic competition knows that the first principle of being a true fan is to sit on your ass and badmouth the rivals of your team. So where does this leave John Q- does he rip on the Jets (the Patriots chief AFC East rivals) when he’s kicking it with other Yankees fans on a 95 degree day in the Bronx? Sure, of course, absolutely, and YES. But the crux of the situation is this; what does John Q do when he’s at a Patriots game, or some Boston bahh, surrounded by patriots/red sox fans and they start ripping on the Yankees (an inevitable situation)? My guess is that he tucks his junk behind his legs (a la Buffalo Bill) and settles into a respectful silence. After all, the guys badmouthing the yanks are Patriots fans; they’re his boys in some respect, right?
There is a wide spectrum of intensity exhibited by different fans of different teams: some guys who claim to be fans care a little too much, while others just go through the motions of being a fan and really don’t give 2 craps about the team, and still other people are fans of sports in general but don’t pledge themselves to one particular team, they just go through a series of Fan One-Night-Stands. Just looking at some people I know I can get a feel for the differences between the casual fan and the real deal. Sparkles is a Jets “fan” who thinks Wayne Chrebet is still on the team, doesn’t have the slightest idea when the team plays, if told the NFL season runs from April to August would probably agree, and thinks that an NFL game is 4 innings long. Back in college R.Dot owned a Red Sox hat, told everyone what a big Mets fan he was, but went to Yankees games. On the other side of the fan spectrum, MattLo knows the name of every Georgetown men’s basketball player dating back to 1963, openly wept when he met Craig Esherick, and has been known to sleep in his Georgetown shorts for several weeks running….so maybe he cares just a little too much. Where does each of us fit in the fan spectrum? More to the point of this article, what does it mean to be a “good” or quality supporter of your team and do conflicting interests ruin a person’s best intentions as a fan?
The best part of being a fan for any team, be it the East Mannesquan's womens Ice Hockey team or the New York Giants, is that you care about that team. You care whether they win or lose, you care whether or not they’re a team you can really get behind (try being a Knicks fan these days, I dare you), you care if a beloved player leaves the team, and you really really really care when some douschebag has the gall to talk crap about your team. It then becomes your responsibility and duty as an American to man the trenches and fire back in defense of your team. There are some situations where keeping your mouth shut is excusable for safety’s sake (see: BC student at UConn game; visiting team's fan at Giants Stadium after Eli just threw his 4th interception and the fat guys in LT jerseys are getting restless; white supremacist in Compton; a fan of Santa and the Christmas spirit at an Eagle’s home game; etc.) but these occasions when keeping your mouth shut is Ok are few and far between.
I think John Q is a good fan of each of his teams individually. He follows both teams avidly, and while he might not be the most knowledgeable fan ever (he has been known to plagiarize his positions on sports issues directly from ESPN) he certainly seems to care about his teams, but the conflict between the two opposing fan bases is real and tactile. You can see for yourself the next time you go to a yanks game and a guy walks in wearing a patriots jersey, or a guy walks into a boston bar wearing a Giants shirt; the other fans see it and they do NOT approve. I find John Q guilty of sports confliction, because chances are he has sat idly by and listened to some Boston schlub rant about the hated Yankees without speaking up in their defense (what should be his defense, if you can dig it).
Now, because I preach equality and the American Dream, I will put up some of John Q’s statements in his defense…..everything below is his material. I sent him an email asking him for his favorite yanks player, patriots player, where he was born (why is he a pats/yanks fan) yadda yadda yadda….
John Q’s Defense
I’ll fire this to you real quick, I’m exceedingly busy (been working 12 hour days) but I’ll make time for this,
Favorite Yankee Player: My Main Man Melky (Cabrera), I heart this kid in a big way, he’s a love life kind of guy and who doesn’t remember that AWESOME catch he made against the red sux over the wall to rob Manny of the home run? I get goosebumps thinking about it. Also, I heard he shares an apartment in New Jersey with Robinson Cano; Cmac and myself turned that into a running gag that they live in a studio apartment together in some slummy part of NJ, where they absolutely destroy, how can I say this, voluptuous dark women. How could you not love this guy, I don’t even think he can speak English, so Cano’s nice enough to translate for him while they’re at the club macking game on those women that they then take back to the 5th floor walk-up studio.
Favorite Patriot Player: Tom Brady, it used to be Troy Brown, but now that I know T-Brad-Y is having a kid out of wedlock with a former girlfriend I can’t help but love it! For some reason I get the feeling that he’s going to be a real deadbeat dad and go against the golden boy image that way, like flying into a drunken rage at his kids birthday party at the Discovery Zone that he wasn’t invited to, and hiding in the ball pit until the cops drag him out, like something that you see on Cops: Rhode Island.
State I was born in: Many people think that I was born in “Hot-lanta”, this is actually a misconception I run into fairly often, while I am from the “dirty dirty” I was actually born in Raleigh, North Carolina, home of UNC, Wake Forest, and your favorite team ever Duke! Up until kindergarten it was home to me. Just in case you were wondering, Raleigh’s top exports are= gun violence, soybeans, and me.
Favorite part of going to a Yankee’s game: Oh man, where to begin on this one. It’s either routinely blacking out by the 5th inning, the rampant and often unruly betting action that takes place (wagering on such things as which 8 year old will be the first one to reach the bottom of the bleacher stairs), telling R.Dot that “this is the week we do the 9-9-9” which if you don’t know is the marathon of drinking nine beers, eating nine hot dogs, over the course of nine innings; it’s impossible I’m sure, like me climbing Everest or you giving up alcohol. I think the best thing about going to a Yankee’s game is laughing hysterically when members of our group scream at 12 year olds in Red Sox jerseys.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
IX. Eli-Sox
Where do you see Eli Manning in five years?
-Militant Dwarf
Great question, and I can envision 8 different scenarios for Eli’s career:
1. Next season Eli and Coach Coughlin adapt to the departure of Tiki “you’ll-miss-me-more-than-you-know” Barber by implementing an offense that emulates what coaching staffs in St. Louis, Philadelphia, and Indy have done in the past: controlling the ball with short passes, keeping defenses off balance with the run, and throwing a healthy amount of out-and-out bombs. The Giants run this new offense to great success, the defense gets healthy, Osi Umenyiora comes to a game wearing a loincloth, and the Giants roll deep into the playoffs. Chances of this happening: 0.02%. Chances of this happening if someone, anyone, other than Tom Coughlin was the coach: 10%. So at least we still have Tom around, you know, just to really screw-up any chance the Giants might have.
2. Coughlin sticks around, the team is the most undisciplined in the NFL….again….despite being led by a “disciplinarian” coach, Eli craps the bed 6-9 times during the course of the season, Shockey applies to the University of Miami as a graduate student because he misses The U so much, and Brandon Jacobs is lost for the season after he tries to run over and through the 483rd consecutive tackler….in the 2nd game of the season. Chances of this happening: 98.7%. I’m fairly sure this all already happened.
3. Eli gets the “you could start by acting like a man” speech from the Godfather (played in this instance by Michael Strahan), and the speech has such an effect on Eli that he starts running the team with authority, punching Shockey every time J-Shock opens his mouth without written consent from Eli, and inflicting payback on any of his teammates that gave him a wedgie back in the day. Chances of this happening: 0%...Only possible in alternate universes, another Matrix, etc.
4. Eli moves to another team after a disappointing stay in NY, becomes a huge star on a small market team with much less media attention than NY such as Cleveland, and then is brutally murdered by vindictive Giants fans, aka my dad. Chances of this happening: 11%.
5. In a court hearing, Eli is stripped of his family name by father Archie and brother Peyton, reason: “the defendant has shown gross incompetence and lacks any resemblance to the men of the family.” Cooper, the eldest Manning brother, throws a wild party at club Pure for not being the 1st brother thrown out of the family and inadvertently sets the record for “most strippers found dead during the post-party”. Eli changes his last name to Dipshit. Chances of this happening: 42%.
6. Eli finds out about girls, has successful surgery to attach an artificial scrotum and some marbles to his privates, and learns how to party to the point that he becomes the newest party scene star of NYC. His meteoric rise hits a snag though when he starts sharing a bachelor pad with Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey; then subsequently catches a crippling case of VD from one of McConaughey’s sloppy seconds and is forced to retire from the NFL. Chances of this happening: for sheer entertainment, we can only hope 100%.
7. Eli joins a new street gang of NFL QB’s whose sole purpose is to go to night clubs, pick up women, and keep it real. The gang features Brad-Y Quinn as the cool youngster, Tom Brady as the de-facto leader, Matt Leinart as the guy with the sex advice, Michael Vick as the guy with a little too much sexual experience so that the other members of the gang are leery of sharing a bottle of water with him, Donovan McNabb as the guy who whines about everything and always consults his mom before making any plans, and Eli as the schmuck who can’t get so much as a phone number. Jake Delhomme isn’t invited to join the gang because he doesn’t know how to have a conversation in the conventional English language, and Tony Romo is also excluded because nobody likes a crybaby. In this scenario Eli is demoted to 2nd string QB behind the Pillsbury Throwboy so as to focus his attention on ‘keeping it real’. Chances on this happening: 0%, because we all know Brad-Y and no one else would be the leader of any NFL-QB-BadBoy gang.
8. Eli just treads water in the NFL for 8 or more seasons, never leads the Giants past the wildcard round of the playoffs, retires to a great sigh of relief from the fans, and in retirement opens up a chain of car washes in Jackson, Mississippi. Chances of this happening: 33%.
How is John Q (a self-proclaimed Yankee diehard) going to deal with baseball season now that he lives in Boston?
-Militant Dwarf
He'll handle it easily, because at heart John Q truly is a Red Sox fan. Don’t believe me; I’ll prove it to you:
-John Q has time and time again gotten inebriated to the point where he makes breathtakingly awful decisions.
-By their own choice to become Red Sox fans, said fans have already made a horrible decision.
-John Q prefers being in the company of people that are annoying and/or prone to idiocy, similar to how Johnny Drama only likes girls that have a deficiency such as a harelip, elongated forehead, or stubby legs.
-Red Sox fans are annoying idiots; Skeet is a prime example of this. For those of you who don’t know who Skeet is (and I envy you), if you’re ever in a pub and you hear another patron loudly proclaiming crap like “I used to pinch hit for Ted Williams” or “I invented the question mark”, then the chances are that you’ve just met Skeet or someone like him.
-In college while searching for a pen in John Q’s campus desk (no really, we were looking for a pen and not a lighter) we, Santa’s Helper and I, stumbled upon a pair of feminine handcuffs, which might infer that John Q is a masochist.
-{From Britannica……mas·och·ism gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., also see Fans, Red Sox}
So I think we’ll be seeing John Q rocking a Ortiz jersey while talking about going to the “bah” and “watching the sawks” within the next 3-4 months, easy. At that point I will foot the expense of hiring Dolph Lundgrun (who isn’t exactly busy these days) to predict "pain" for John Q and then “break” him.
-Militant Dwarf
Great question, and I can envision 8 different scenarios for Eli’s career:
1. Next season Eli and Coach Coughlin adapt to the departure of Tiki “you’ll-miss-me-more-than-you-know” Barber by implementing an offense that emulates what coaching staffs in St. Louis, Philadelphia, and Indy have done in the past: controlling the ball with short passes, keeping defenses off balance with the run, and throwing a healthy amount of out-and-out bombs. The Giants run this new offense to great success, the defense gets healthy, Osi Umenyiora comes to a game wearing a loincloth, and the Giants roll deep into the playoffs. Chances of this happening: 0.02%. Chances of this happening if someone, anyone, other than Tom Coughlin was the coach: 10%. So at least we still have Tom around, you know, just to really screw-up any chance the Giants might have.
2. Coughlin sticks around, the team is the most undisciplined in the NFL….again….despite being led by a “disciplinarian” coach, Eli craps the bed 6-9 times during the course of the season, Shockey applies to the University of Miami as a graduate student because he misses The U so much, and Brandon Jacobs is lost for the season after he tries to run over and through the 483rd consecutive tackler….in the 2nd game of the season. Chances of this happening: 98.7%. I’m fairly sure this all already happened.
3. Eli gets the “you could start by acting like a man” speech from the Godfather (played in this instance by Michael Strahan), and the speech has such an effect on Eli that he starts running the team with authority, punching Shockey every time J-Shock opens his mouth without written consent from Eli, and inflicting payback on any of his teammates that gave him a wedgie back in the day. Chances of this happening: 0%...Only possible in alternate universes, another Matrix, etc.
4. Eli moves to another team after a disappointing stay in NY, becomes a huge star on a small market team with much less media attention than NY such as Cleveland, and then is brutally murdered by vindictive Giants fans, aka my dad. Chances of this happening: 11%.
5. In a court hearing, Eli is stripped of his family name by father Archie and brother Peyton, reason: “the defendant has shown gross incompetence and lacks any resemblance to the men of the family.” Cooper, the eldest Manning brother, throws a wild party at club Pure for not being the 1st brother thrown out of the family and inadvertently sets the record for “most strippers found dead during the post-party”. Eli changes his last name to Dipshit. Chances of this happening: 42%.
6. Eli finds out about girls, has successful surgery to attach an artificial scrotum and some marbles to his privates, and learns how to party to the point that he becomes the newest party scene star of NYC. His meteoric rise hits a snag though when he starts sharing a bachelor pad with Lance Armstrong and Matthew McConaughey; then subsequently catches a crippling case of VD from one of McConaughey’s sloppy seconds and is forced to retire from the NFL. Chances of this happening: for sheer entertainment, we can only hope 100%.
7. Eli joins a new street gang of NFL QB’s whose sole purpose is to go to night clubs, pick up women, and keep it real. The gang features Brad-Y Quinn as the cool youngster, Tom Brady as the de-facto leader, Matt Leinart as the guy with the sex advice, Michael Vick as the guy with a little too much sexual experience so that the other members of the gang are leery of sharing a bottle of water with him, Donovan McNabb as the guy who whines about everything and always consults his mom before making any plans, and Eli as the schmuck who can’t get so much as a phone number. Jake Delhomme isn’t invited to join the gang because he doesn’t know how to have a conversation in the conventional English language, and Tony Romo is also excluded because nobody likes a crybaby. In this scenario Eli is demoted to 2nd string QB behind the Pillsbury Throwboy so as to focus his attention on ‘keeping it real’. Chances on this happening: 0%, because we all know Brad-Y and no one else would be the leader of any NFL-QB-BadBoy gang.
8. Eli just treads water in the NFL for 8 or more seasons, never leads the Giants past the wildcard round of the playoffs, retires to a great sigh of relief from the fans, and in retirement opens up a chain of car washes in Jackson, Mississippi. Chances of this happening: 33%.
How is John Q (a self-proclaimed Yankee diehard) going to deal with baseball season now that he lives in Boston?
-Militant Dwarf
He'll handle it easily, because at heart John Q truly is a Red Sox fan. Don’t believe me; I’ll prove it to you:
-John Q has time and time again gotten inebriated to the point where he makes breathtakingly awful decisions.
-By their own choice to become Red Sox fans, said fans have already made a horrible decision.
-John Q prefers being in the company of people that are annoying and/or prone to idiocy, similar to how Johnny Drama only likes girls that have a deficiency such as a harelip, elongated forehead, or stubby legs.
-Red Sox fans are annoying idiots; Skeet is a prime example of this. For those of you who don’t know who Skeet is (and I envy you), if you’re ever in a pub and you hear another patron loudly proclaiming crap like “I used to pinch hit for Ted Williams” or “I invented the question mark”, then the chances are that you’ve just met Skeet or someone like him.
-In college while searching for a pen in John Q’s campus desk (no really, we were looking for a pen and not a lighter) we, Santa’s Helper and I, stumbled upon a pair of feminine handcuffs, which might infer that John Q is a masochist.
-{From Britannica……mas·och·ism gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., also see Fans, Red Sox}
So I think we’ll be seeing John Q rocking a Ortiz jersey while talking about going to the “bah” and “watching the sawks” within the next 3-4 months, easy. At that point I will foot the expense of hiring Dolph Lundgrun (who isn’t exactly busy these days) to predict "pain" for John Q and then “break” him.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
VIII. Liverpool at Barcelona
The match that was prefaced by a week of scandal and karaoke bar fights is in the books and Liverpool came out on top in a surprising result, but first something I kind of glossed over in last night’s match preview.
This was an extremely big game, not only because it’s the UEFA Champions League tourney, and we’re in the round of 16, and yadda yadda yadda….these two teams are the last two winners of the tournament; Barca are the defending champions and Liverpool won the tournament the previous year. Winning the Champions League is a big deal, and for comparison’s sake let’s say that it’s akin to winning the Super Bowl….of European Football. So we have the past 2 winners playing each other, and yet every news broadcast on Fox Soccer Channel previewing this match either A) didn’t mention this item at all, or B) made a cursory comment about these clubs being the last 2 champs towards the tail-end of the segment. Ummmm isn’t that kind of a big deal, and wouldn’t Joe The Average Fan want to know about it?
Imagine if the past two super bowl champions were squaring off against each other in the wildcard round of the NFL playoffs; can you imagine the media frenzy?!? Bob Ley would be doing 36 different sob stories about how tough Ben Roethlisberger’s life has been since the Super Bowl win and what this game means to him. Chris Berman would have a mild seizure trying to say Peyton “can he be the man to Repeat” Manning during the pre-game show. Jeremy Schaap would finagle a way to irritate each of the opposing coaches and get punched by both. Days before the game Sean Salisbury would rant until he turned purple that Peyton is the greatest QB the world has ever seen and is the reason the Colts are back in the big game; after the game (in which Peyton gets hurt and backup Jim Sorgi throws for 4 TD’s) Salisbury will scream that Jim Sorgi is the reason for the Colts’ success and that Peyton Manning has been holding back their offense the past couple seasons. You see my point (that is if I have one..); the media would make a big deal out of this. Yet the incredibly talented hosts of Fox Soccer Channel’s “Soccer Review Show”, Tyler ‘the mustache’ Jones and Robert Padiddlystain, can’t even bring up the fact that the 2 past champions are going back at it in their broadcast? I find that amazing; I am amazed.
As for the match itself Barcelona is the defending champs and the club is led by Ronaldinho, arguably the world’s best player. Ronaldinho was held scoreless in this match though as Liverpool came in and beat the home team 2-1, despite a lot of off-field shenanigans this past week. Check out last night’s article if you haven’t yet for details. For a quick recap, Liverpool striker Craig Bellamy tried to hit teammate John Arne Riise with a golf club.
Barcelona scored in the 14th minute to take a 1-0 lead, but then Craig “125 yards and three assault charges to the pin” Bellamy scored the equalizer right before halftime. Can you guess what Bellamy's celebration dance was after the goal? He pretended to swing a golf club at the Barcelona fans. Wow. After halftime, the Barcelona manager yanked not one but TWO defenders out of his lineup in order to have 4 strikers on the field at once in order to get at least one goal and a tie with a Liverpool team that is renowned for their defensive play. Not the Barcelona manager’s only suspect decision; check out the hair.... http://www.fcbarcelona.com/eng/noticias/noticias/n07022006.shtml
The move to 4 strikers backfired when full-back (aka Defenseman) and karaoke enthusiast John Arne Riise was able to slip behind the Barcelona defense for the goal that clinched Liverpool’s upset win.
This was an extremely big game, not only because it’s the UEFA Champions League tourney, and we’re in the round of 16, and yadda yadda yadda….these two teams are the last two winners of the tournament; Barca are the defending champions and Liverpool won the tournament the previous year. Winning the Champions League is a big deal, and for comparison’s sake let’s say that it’s akin to winning the Super Bowl….of European Football. So we have the past 2 winners playing each other, and yet every news broadcast on Fox Soccer Channel previewing this match either A) didn’t mention this item at all, or B) made a cursory comment about these clubs being the last 2 champs towards the tail-end of the segment. Ummmm isn’t that kind of a big deal, and wouldn’t Joe The Average Fan want to know about it?
Imagine if the past two super bowl champions were squaring off against each other in the wildcard round of the NFL playoffs; can you imagine the media frenzy?!? Bob Ley would be doing 36 different sob stories about how tough Ben Roethlisberger’s life has been since the Super Bowl win and what this game means to him. Chris Berman would have a mild seizure trying to say Peyton “can he be the man to Repeat” Manning during the pre-game show. Jeremy Schaap would finagle a way to irritate each of the opposing coaches and get punched by both. Days before the game Sean Salisbury would rant until he turned purple that Peyton is the greatest QB the world has ever seen and is the reason the Colts are back in the big game; after the game (in which Peyton gets hurt and backup Jim Sorgi throws for 4 TD’s) Salisbury will scream that Jim Sorgi is the reason for the Colts’ success and that Peyton Manning has been holding back their offense the past couple seasons. You see my point (that is if I have one..); the media would make a big deal out of this. Yet the incredibly talented hosts of Fox Soccer Channel’s “Soccer Review Show”, Tyler ‘the mustache’ Jones and Robert Padiddlystain, can’t even bring up the fact that the 2 past champions are going back at it in their broadcast? I find that amazing; I am amazed.
As for the match itself Barcelona is the defending champs and the club is led by Ronaldinho, arguably the world’s best player. Ronaldinho was held scoreless in this match though as Liverpool came in and beat the home team 2-1, despite a lot of off-field shenanigans this past week. Check out last night’s article if you haven’t yet for details. For a quick recap, Liverpool striker Craig Bellamy tried to hit teammate John Arne Riise with a golf club.
Barcelona scored in the 14th minute to take a 1-0 lead, but then Craig “125 yards and three assault charges to the pin” Bellamy scored the equalizer right before halftime. Can you guess what Bellamy's celebration dance was after the goal? He pretended to swing a golf club at the Barcelona fans. Wow. After halftime, the Barcelona manager yanked not one but TWO defenders out of his lineup in order to have 4 strikers on the field at once in order to get at least one goal and a tie with a Liverpool team that is renowned for their defensive play. Not the Barcelona manager’s only suspect decision; check out the hair.... http://www.fcbarcelona.com/eng/noticias/noticias/n07022006.shtml
The move to 4 strikers backfired when full-back (aka Defenseman) and karaoke enthusiast John Arne Riise was able to slip behind the Barcelona defense for the goal that clinched Liverpool’s upset win.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
VII. Benitez fines fifteen players
Note- All text in quotes is from a recent AP article
“Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez prepared for Wednesday night's Champions League clash with Barcelona by fining 15 of his players for their part in the squad's headline-grabbing, boozy end to their trip to Portugal last week.
The Liverpool manager is incensed that preparations have been overshadowed by reports of drunken brawls and has already fined striker Craig Bellamy two weeks' wages for attacking John Arne Riise.
The Daily Mirror claims that another 14 players from the 22-man squad will also be hit in the pocket and The Sun reports that fines will total a club record £150,000 once all participants are dealt with.
Although Benitez won't identify those involved in the post karaoke shenanigans at the exclusive Monty's restaurant and bar in Vale Do Lobo Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek has spoken of the incident on his official website
'Most of the press printed strange, unreal stories concerning our going out for supper to the nearest restaurant, while we were in Portugal,' Dudek said. 'Among others, I have read, that I wanted to beat up the policeman, was handcuffed and detained by the police. Nothing of that kind happened.”
Let me paint you a picture of Dudek: he’s the backup goalie, so chances are he won’t see the field in the upcoming Champions League match against Barca (Barcelona). So, knowing that he's not likely to play this week and his sole responsibility is to keep it real, what are the odds on Dudek emulating other notorious pre-game stunters like a Eugene Robinson (soliciting undercover cop), Barrett Robbins (went crazy and forgot who he was) or a Ray Lewis (killing a man)? Collectively let’s say it’s 50/50. So shouldn’t we consider him a champion of goodness for only orchestrating a karaoke-themed party that turned sour? I vote yes.
The other main character here is Craig Bellamy, a 23 year old striker from Wales who was hyped up mightily in the pre-season. He’s been a big disappointment so far this season and now the rumor is that he’ll be sold to another club shortly. Aston Villa and Blackburn have already made it clear that they’re interested in signing him to a deal. Here’s the rundown on the trouble this kid has gotten into:
• February 2002 Receives a caution for hitting a woman in a nightclub
• March 2003 Charged with racially aggravated harassment outside a nightclub but later acquitted
• March 2004 Throws a chair at John Carver, Newcastle's assistant manager
• September 2006 Fights in tunnel before match with his Newcastle coach Terry McDermott
• November 2006 Bellamy cleared of assaulting teenage girl in a nightclub
Source: The Guardian
So, my question for Craig Bellamy is this: can you believe that your final offense during your tumultuous tenure at Liverpool was a karaoke fight? You did all these crazy thuggish things, and yet you're going to ultimately get released for your role in a fight that took place at a swinging karaoke bar. Can you imagine how bad this guy’s friends are ripping him apart right now? Literally right now one of Craig’s friends just made a joke about his sweet karaoke fight and everyone in the vicinity broke into country-club laughter.
My boy Craig has quickly joined Ron Artest and the University of Miami football team in my Brawling Hall of Fame. I can picture Bellamy being a savage party-hound and total detriment to the team and team unity. Of course I’m just guessing here and could be totally wrong. My characterization of Bellamy might be slightly more accurate if I actually knew who this man was 45 minutes ago and/or didn’t live 3,000 miles away from The Scene. For all I know Bellamy might legitimately be a huge karaoke fan and Riise had stolen the microphone from him; sometimes a man just needs to fight.
“Despite Bellamy allegedly attacking team-mate Riise with a golf club the fiery Welshman is expected to start against Barca at the Nou Camp.”
Oh, did I forget to mention that our boy Craig had a freaking weapon? And what THE F were golf clubs doing at a Karaoke bar? I don’t know if ‘karaoke golf’ exists as a sport yet, or if John Mellencamp has made a song about it yet, but I don’t think we want any part of it. Wouldn’t it be the icing on the cake if it turns out that Bellamy had actually brought the golf club with him, or better yet that he employs bodyguards straight from Bond movies so that they have an odd ensemble of weapons? Imagine a scenario where Bellamy gives his bodyguard Bruno Lovely instructions, something to the effect of ‘use the nine iron this time, save the inflatable rubber swimmies and the jar of piranhas for another time.’
I may have lost some people on that analogy but I want to make clear just how much I now expect out of crazy Craig Bellamy. If he isn’t in the news doing crazy stuff soon I’m going to be pissed, given that he was last seen wielding a golf club in a karaoke bar with the intent to harm.
By the way, for all the non-EPL fans out there it is most definitely not too late to sign up as a Liverpool fan. Trust me when I say that Liverpool is the club to root for, and I promise no less than 3 episodes of karaoke violence per week.
Why are you so good at the pass-out game?
-Zycki
For those people who are in the dark, pass-out is a game in which you compete against your girlfriend or spouse to see which one of you can literally pass-out first. Just to be clear, I am totally joking here and making this up. Anyway, as Zycki has alluded to I am the all-time greatest player at this game and will continue to dominate the field for years to come. So the next time you see me snoozing in the corner of the room, just know this: I won again.
“Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez prepared for Wednesday night's Champions League clash with Barcelona by fining 15 of his players for their part in the squad's headline-grabbing, boozy end to their trip to Portugal last week.
The Liverpool manager is incensed that preparations have been overshadowed by reports of drunken brawls and has already fined striker Craig Bellamy two weeks' wages for attacking John Arne Riise.
The Daily Mirror claims that another 14 players from the 22-man squad will also be hit in the pocket and The Sun reports that fines will total a club record £150,000 once all participants are dealt with.
Although Benitez won't identify those involved in the post karaoke shenanigans at the exclusive Monty's restaurant and bar in Vale Do Lobo Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek has spoken of the incident on his official website
'Most of the press printed strange, unreal stories concerning our going out for supper to the nearest restaurant, while we were in Portugal,' Dudek said. 'Among others, I have read, that I wanted to beat up the policeman, was handcuffed and detained by the police. Nothing of that kind happened.”
Let me paint you a picture of Dudek: he’s the backup goalie, so chances are he won’t see the field in the upcoming Champions League match against Barca (Barcelona). So, knowing that he's not likely to play this week and his sole responsibility is to keep it real, what are the odds on Dudek emulating other notorious pre-game stunters like a Eugene Robinson (soliciting undercover cop), Barrett Robbins (went crazy and forgot who he was) or a Ray Lewis (killing a man)? Collectively let’s say it’s 50/50. So shouldn’t we consider him a champion of goodness for only orchestrating a karaoke-themed party that turned sour? I vote yes.
The other main character here is Craig Bellamy, a 23 year old striker from Wales who was hyped up mightily in the pre-season. He’s been a big disappointment so far this season and now the rumor is that he’ll be sold to another club shortly. Aston Villa and Blackburn have already made it clear that they’re interested in signing him to a deal. Here’s the rundown on the trouble this kid has gotten into:
• February 2002 Receives a caution for hitting a woman in a nightclub
• March 2003 Charged with racially aggravated harassment outside a nightclub but later acquitted
• March 2004 Throws a chair at John Carver, Newcastle's assistant manager
• September 2006 Fights in tunnel before match with his Newcastle coach Terry McDermott
• November 2006 Bellamy cleared of assaulting teenage girl in a nightclub
Source: The Guardian
So, my question for Craig Bellamy is this: can you believe that your final offense during your tumultuous tenure at Liverpool was a karaoke fight? You did all these crazy thuggish things, and yet you're going to ultimately get released for your role in a fight that took place at a swinging karaoke bar. Can you imagine how bad this guy’s friends are ripping him apart right now? Literally right now one of Craig’s friends just made a joke about his sweet karaoke fight and everyone in the vicinity broke into country-club laughter.
My boy Craig has quickly joined Ron Artest and the University of Miami football team in my Brawling Hall of Fame. I can picture Bellamy being a savage party-hound and total detriment to the team and team unity. Of course I’m just guessing here and could be totally wrong. My characterization of Bellamy might be slightly more accurate if I actually knew who this man was 45 minutes ago and/or didn’t live 3,000 miles away from The Scene. For all I know Bellamy might legitimately be a huge karaoke fan and Riise had stolen the microphone from him; sometimes a man just needs to fight.
“Despite Bellamy allegedly attacking team-mate Riise with a golf club the fiery Welshman is expected to start against Barca at the Nou Camp.”
Oh, did I forget to mention that our boy Craig had a freaking weapon? And what THE F were golf clubs doing at a Karaoke bar? I don’t know if ‘karaoke golf’ exists as a sport yet, or if John Mellencamp has made a song about it yet, but I don’t think we want any part of it. Wouldn’t it be the icing on the cake if it turns out that Bellamy had actually brought the golf club with him, or better yet that he employs bodyguards straight from Bond movies so that they have an odd ensemble of weapons? Imagine a scenario where Bellamy gives his bodyguard Bruno Lovely instructions, something to the effect of ‘use the nine iron this time, save the inflatable rubber swimmies and the jar of piranhas for another time.’
I may have lost some people on that analogy but I want to make clear just how much I now expect out of crazy Craig Bellamy. If he isn’t in the news doing crazy stuff soon I’m going to be pissed, given that he was last seen wielding a golf club in a karaoke bar with the intent to harm.
By the way, for all the non-EPL fans out there it is most definitely not too late to sign up as a Liverpool fan. Trust me when I say that Liverpool is the club to root for, and I promise no less than 3 episodes of karaoke violence per week.
Why are you so good at the pass-out game?
-Zycki
For those people who are in the dark, pass-out is a game in which you compete against your girlfriend or spouse to see which one of you can literally pass-out first. Just to be clear, I am totally joking here and making this up. Anyway, as Zycki has alluded to I am the all-time greatest player at this game and will continue to dominate the field for years to come. So the next time you see me snoozing in the corner of the room, just know this: I won again.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
VI. Taking questions
Why do old men dominate you in pick-up basketball?
-Zycki
At birth I was blessed with tremendous height and a glaring lack of any discernible athetic ability. So it really shouldn't come as a surprise that I am routinely torched by Older Baller's, given that you have seen firsthand the vast array of vicious elbows OB's will use in any pickup game.
What is the highlight of an innocent game with these guys; the punch in my junk when I bring the ball to the waist, the moving pick that is accompanied by a stabbing pain in my side, or the Karate takedown whenever I am open for a layup? No, seriously it's cool if you bring me down by the back of my head, who doesn't?
We were playing down in Dirty Jersey at Little Brother's gym; the place closely resembled a cult environment with something like eleven buildings that are all part of the same sports complex. Anyway, the nice people who play basketball here are clearly out of their freaking heads. It was a bunch of people my age versus 3 old guys and their little kids. Not only were the parents throwing enormous haymaker elbows and raining fists on anyone attempting a layup, they were also encouraging their children to tackle us using the flying dragon technique. One child was admonished for leaving an opposing player alive. These kids were a bunch of jackals and I was covered in sheep's blood.
The first time I played over at the high school the old guy who ran the game gave me the big speech about playing nice and how some young punk had played with them a couple weeks ago and been a real terror. That same night there was a rumble royale between 2 of the older guys, with much yelling and screaming expletives. Building from that incident, balling with the older guys got to be a blatant endangerment of my physical safety. So now I go over to the YMCA and just sprinkle some domination on 12 year old kids with dental braces, such good times.
Every now and then kids on the Rye HS basketball team will come through and absolutely demolish me, because who says it isn't a good idea to try and chase down a bball gazelle when you weigh 245 pounds, but aren't actually a tight end in the NFL. The thing is I never know when these kids are going to be there, ready and waiting to destroy me, so maybe I should just steer clear of the gymnasium altogether. If I can't play with the young kids and certainly don't want to play with the old baller's who is there left to ball outrageously with? I don't know of many leagues aroud these parts that are stocked with immobile lumberjacks such as myself.
You see that old geezer over by the bleachers with the headband, white nikes, and flowing locks of nose hair? Yeah, he just wiped the floor with me. He made a really nice joke about how a young guy such as myself shouldn't be getten beaten for a rebound while Old Man River was frantically using his razor-edged elbows to savage my ribcage.
"Looking good Mortimer!"
"FEELING GOOD RANDALL!"
-Zycki
At birth I was blessed with tremendous height and a glaring lack of any discernible athetic ability. So it really shouldn't come as a surprise that I am routinely torched by Older Baller's, given that you have seen firsthand the vast array of vicious elbows OB's will use in any pickup game.
What is the highlight of an innocent game with these guys; the punch in my junk when I bring the ball to the waist, the moving pick that is accompanied by a stabbing pain in my side, or the Karate takedown whenever I am open for a layup? No, seriously it's cool if you bring me down by the back of my head, who doesn't?
We were playing down in Dirty Jersey at Little Brother's gym; the place closely resembled a cult environment with something like eleven buildings that are all part of the same sports complex. Anyway, the nice people who play basketball here are clearly out of their freaking heads. It was a bunch of people my age versus 3 old guys and their little kids. Not only were the parents throwing enormous haymaker elbows and raining fists on anyone attempting a layup, they were also encouraging their children to tackle us using the flying dragon technique. One child was admonished for leaving an opposing player alive. These kids were a bunch of jackals and I was covered in sheep's blood.
The first time I played over at the high school the old guy who ran the game gave me the big speech about playing nice and how some young punk had played with them a couple weeks ago and been a real terror. That same night there was a rumble royale between 2 of the older guys, with much yelling and screaming expletives. Building from that incident, balling with the older guys got to be a blatant endangerment of my physical safety. So now I go over to the YMCA and just sprinkle some domination on 12 year old kids with dental braces, such good times.
Every now and then kids on the Rye HS basketball team will come through and absolutely demolish me, because who says it isn't a good idea to try and chase down a bball gazelle when you weigh 245 pounds, but aren't actually a tight end in the NFL. The thing is I never know when these kids are going to be there, ready and waiting to destroy me, so maybe I should just steer clear of the gymnasium altogether. If I can't play with the young kids and certainly don't want to play with the old baller's who is there left to ball outrageously with? I don't know of many leagues aroud these parts that are stocked with immobile lumberjacks such as myself.
You see that old geezer over by the bleachers with the headband, white nikes, and flowing locks of nose hair? Yeah, he just wiped the floor with me. He made a really nice joke about how a young guy such as myself shouldn't be getten beaten for a rebound while Old Man River was frantically using his razor-edged elbows to savage my ribcage.
"Looking good Mortimer!"
"FEELING GOOD RANDALL!"
Friday, February 9, 2007
V. Big East fading?
This past week my boy Biff Nightingale stopped by and we got to talking about Big East bball.....Biff is a big Notre Dame fan and was hyping up some guy named Russell Carter, a senior off-guard for ND and the 2nd leading scorer in the Big East. I first digested the fact that the 2nd leading scorer in the famed Big East was from a school whose best player in the past 5 years was Chris "Hey guys, I'm looking for a jump shot!" Thomas; then I got around to asking Biff who in the hell was the actual leading scorer in the Big East.
The answer, which was quickly accompanied by a feeling akin to hearing that I've been entered into a hot dog eating contest with Richard Simmons, was that Demetris Nichols was the leading scorer in Big East basketball.
No slight against Nichols, who is clearly a much better player now than he was as a freshman, but are you f$cking serious?? Demetris Nichols\Big East\Leading Scorer...????
When I was done hurling in the bathroom (biff held my hair back...thanks pal), I got to thinking about the facts presented to me: namely that two guys who I had never previously heard of (and they were SENIORS) were the 2 leading scorers in the Big East. I mean, Big East ball has always been one of the biggest stages in college ball, and the stars have gone on to be stars at the next level(a.k.a. the NBA; sister organization to the NRA).
A list of the top 2 regular-season scorers in the Big East from the past 2 seasons would look something like this.......ok, i looked it up and it would look EXACTLY like this:
-Quincy Douby (1st round NBA draft)
-Randy Foye (top-ten NBA pick)
-Ryan Gomes (2nd round NBA pick, 15ppg NBA scorer, and The General's BOY)
-Hakim Warrick (1st round NBA draft)
....so....who the hell are these 2 new guys?...because I'm fairly sure I haven't heard any pre-draft hype about Russell Carter & co. Could it be that the Big East is fading?
Over some beers with the General, Militant Dwarf, and Biff Nightingale we talked about the state of Big East basketball and came to the following conclusions:
-First, the obvious; the Big East lost alot of talent last year.....there was a HUH-YUGE void where previously star players such as Foye, Douby, Rudy "all the way" Gay, M. Williams, etc etc etc.....had been. I mean Kyle Lowry, the blackest man with a white name I have ever had the pleasure to watch, was the third banana on a good Villanova team. He was taken in the first round of the NBA draft. To recap, he was the 3RD SCORING OPTION ON HIS COLLEGE TEAM. and he was drafted in the 1st round. Uconn had SIX players drafted. Was the Big East stacked last year?---absolutely.
-Then we got to talking about the schools where the big players, the guys who are clearly going on to the NBA, typically come from.......and they suck this year.
Louisville- Bad team, overrated system, lack of athletes.......ever since Fransisco Garcia left these guys have been sub-mediocre.
West Virginia- Normally you wouldn't put W. Va. on any list, except the list of states whose residents routinely abuse household medicines, but this has been a great program the past 3-4 years.......that being said, the reason for the success can be traced back to the system: this is a team that stresses ball movement and unselfishness. Sadly those are not traits that NBA scouts are enamored with.
Connecticut- Bad team, and I'm pretty sure Hasheem Thabeet has a voodoo doll of the Husky mascot that he regularly jams pins into. Jeff Adrien is being asked to be their star player; I mean why shouldn't you ask a guy who can only hit the offensive boards and throw vicious elbows to be your top playmaker? That being said, I predict the following finish to the Uconn season: they string together a couple wins at the tail end of the season, make some noise in the Big East tourney, getting into the NCAA tourney as a 5 seed, then Jay Bilas launching a 5 day "you have to consider Uconn the dark-horse favorites for the title" campaign, followed by Uconn losing in the 1st round to U of North Dakota-Fargo. I have to say that I'm excited for that.
-Ok, so some of the big schools are having an off-year.....but why are senior swingmen from crappy teams the leading scorers in Big East ball? Wait, are they the leading scorers simply because the Big East sucks and they're hucking up shots like The General in his YMCA games against 8 year olds? What's going on with the GOOD teams in the Big East?
Pitt- Aaron Gray, the 7 foot white dude with huge moles (seriously, wait for the next camera zoom in; these moles are here and they mean business) doesn't really look for his own shot. He prefers to pass out of double teams and find the open shooter; definitely a solid call on a team that is loaded with excellent perimeter shooters.
Marquette- Dominic James is an NBA star in-the-making and if he isn't a 15ppg, 8apg player in the NBA within 4 years then I'll happily acknowledge the fact that General is not in fact a Mexican. Until then, deal with it. That being said, James is a PG and does a nice job moving the ball around; also needs to work on his shot behind the 3 point line in order to succeed at the next level.
Georgetown- I love this team for some weird reason (no, I'm not a George Michael fan) but there is no way they will ever field a top-scorer; they play in a system that stresses ball control and a stifling defense. SweaterVest (an original G'Town fan) will probably order me shot after reading this paragraph. Tell mom I loved her...
-So where does all this leave us?
I don't know. The 16 team Big East is clearly still one of the top b-ball conferences, but I don't have high expectations for this year. I could see us (Big East) going 2-7 in the NCAA tourney, complete with Uconn scoring 8 points in the 1st half of their first round game. There are very clearly 3 conferences (ACC, SEC, & Pac-10).....(seriously, the Pac-10) that are better than the Big East, and it could be argued that the Missouri Valley Conf. is better as well.
That being said, we'll be back next year. Now I'm going to borrow some money and have a tonya harding pulled on Hasheem Thabeet and/or introduce him to Tony Robertson & Johnnie Selvie.
The answer, which was quickly accompanied by a feeling akin to hearing that I've been entered into a hot dog eating contest with Richard Simmons, was that Demetris Nichols was the leading scorer in Big East basketball.
No slight against Nichols, who is clearly a much better player now than he was as a freshman, but are you f$cking serious?? Demetris Nichols\Big East\Leading Scorer...????
When I was done hurling in the bathroom (biff held my hair back...thanks pal), I got to thinking about the facts presented to me: namely that two guys who I had never previously heard of (and they were SENIORS) were the 2 leading scorers in the Big East. I mean, Big East ball has always been one of the biggest stages in college ball, and the stars have gone on to be stars at the next level(a.k.a. the NBA; sister organization to the NRA).
A list of the top 2 regular-season scorers in the Big East from the past 2 seasons would look something like this.......ok, i looked it up and it would look EXACTLY like this:
-Quincy Douby (1st round NBA draft)
-Randy Foye (top-ten NBA pick)
-Ryan Gomes (2nd round NBA pick, 15ppg NBA scorer, and The General's BOY)
-Hakim Warrick (1st round NBA draft)
....so....who the hell are these 2 new guys?...because I'm fairly sure I haven't heard any pre-draft hype about Russell Carter & co. Could it be that the Big East is fading?
Over some beers with the General, Militant Dwarf, and Biff Nightingale we talked about the state of Big East basketball and came to the following conclusions:
-First, the obvious; the Big East lost alot of talent last year.....there was a HUH-YUGE void where previously star players such as Foye, Douby, Rudy "all the way" Gay, M. Williams, etc etc etc.....had been. I mean Kyle Lowry, the blackest man with a white name I have ever had the pleasure to watch, was the third banana on a good Villanova team. He was taken in the first round of the NBA draft. To recap, he was the 3RD SCORING OPTION ON HIS COLLEGE TEAM. and he was drafted in the 1st round. Uconn had SIX players drafted. Was the Big East stacked last year?---absolutely.
-Then we got to talking about the schools where the big players, the guys who are clearly going on to the NBA, typically come from.......and they suck this year.
Louisville- Bad team, overrated system, lack of athletes.......ever since Fransisco Garcia left these guys have been sub-mediocre.
West Virginia- Normally you wouldn't put W. Va. on any list, except the list of states whose residents routinely abuse household medicines, but this has been a great program the past 3-4 years.......that being said, the reason for the success can be traced back to the system: this is a team that stresses ball movement and unselfishness. Sadly those are not traits that NBA scouts are enamored with.
Connecticut- Bad team, and I'm pretty sure Hasheem Thabeet has a voodoo doll of the Husky mascot that he regularly jams pins into. Jeff Adrien is being asked to be their star player; I mean why shouldn't you ask a guy who can only hit the offensive boards and throw vicious elbows to be your top playmaker? That being said, I predict the following finish to the Uconn season: they string together a couple wins at the tail end of the season, make some noise in the Big East tourney, getting into the NCAA tourney as a 5 seed, then Jay Bilas launching a 5 day "you have to consider Uconn the dark-horse favorites for the title" campaign, followed by Uconn losing in the 1st round to U of North Dakota-Fargo. I have to say that I'm excited for that.
-Ok, so some of the big schools are having an off-year.....but why are senior swingmen from crappy teams the leading scorers in Big East ball? Wait, are they the leading scorers simply because the Big East sucks and they're hucking up shots like The General in his YMCA games against 8 year olds? What's going on with the GOOD teams in the Big East?
Pitt- Aaron Gray, the 7 foot white dude with huge moles (seriously, wait for the next camera zoom in; these moles are here and they mean business) doesn't really look for his own shot. He prefers to pass out of double teams and find the open shooter; definitely a solid call on a team that is loaded with excellent perimeter shooters.
Marquette- Dominic James is an NBA star in-the-making and if he isn't a 15ppg, 8apg player in the NBA within 4 years then I'll happily acknowledge the fact that General is not in fact a Mexican. Until then, deal with it. That being said, James is a PG and does a nice job moving the ball around; also needs to work on his shot behind the 3 point line in order to succeed at the next level.
Georgetown- I love this team for some weird reason (no, I'm not a George Michael fan) but there is no way they will ever field a top-scorer; they play in a system that stresses ball control and a stifling defense. SweaterVest (an original G'Town fan) will probably order me shot after reading this paragraph. Tell mom I loved her...
-So where does all this leave us?
I don't know. The 16 team Big East is clearly still one of the top b-ball conferences, but I don't have high expectations for this year. I could see us (Big East) going 2-7 in the NCAA tourney, complete with Uconn scoring 8 points in the 1st half of their first round game. There are very clearly 3 conferences (ACC, SEC, & Pac-10).....(seriously, the Pac-10) that are better than the Big East, and it could be argued that the Missouri Valley Conf. is better as well.
That being said, we'll be back next year. Now I'm going to borrow some money and have a tonya harding pulled on Hasheem Thabeet and/or introduce him to Tony Robertson & Johnnie Selvie.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
IV. Reader Feedback
Here's a limited selection of the many letters and emails I get from devoted readers:
"Every week when I open my e-mail and see one of these (soccer emails) I get the same feeling I did when I was 5 and came down christmas morning to find a bicycle under the tree with a bow on it. Or is the feeling more like the first time I tried Southern Comfort? either way I love the feeling"
-John Q
Ok, that's pretty much the only reader feedback that I have received that doesn't refer to me as a male who is adverse to the female population, but I'm on the lookout for more.......so write in. But please, I don't need more emails telling me to make love to my thumb. Thanks though.
"Every week when I open my e-mail and see one of these (soccer emails) I get the same feeling I did when I was 5 and came down christmas morning to find a bicycle under the tree with a bow on it. Or is the feeling more like the first time I tried Southern Comfort? either way I love the feeling"
-John Q
Ok, that's pretty much the only reader feedback that I have received that doesn't refer to me as a male who is adverse to the female population, but I'm on the lookout for more.......so write in. But please, I don't need more emails telling me to make love to my thumb. Thanks though.
III. US Soccer recap
Kindly note the original was written last night....
Mexico 0, USA 2- Two second half goals by the American side; the first was a solid header by Jimmy Conrad (american captain) off a nice corner kick from Landon Donovan (arguably the most famous player on the US team; do a google image search for his wife Monica and you'll see why...). The second score came in the 90th minute, a nice speedy breakaway by Landon D- he toasted 2 mexican defenders before putting the old "shake n bake" on the mexican goalie, then finishing with a strong left.
That being said, the US team did not look so hot; they were having problems with the 1st touch on almost every possession, and the spacing of their position players was way too tight.
Now for the big news......
...after the match the Mexicans walked off the pitch without shaking any of the US player's hands.........this has become a tradition for the Mexican side: in their last 8 matches on US soil they are 0-7-1, and have begun a tradition of not shaking the winning team's hands, a tradition that is ENCOURAGED by the manager of the mexican national club. I've seen some bad sportsmanship in my day (like that guy at the Civic Pub who was trying to tell me that boxing out the dance floor wasn't cool).....but this takes the cake.
With this in mind I strongly suggest that you all send a simple message to your local lawn-mower, garden-trimmer, or cement-layer: this will not be tolerated!...If you insist on not shaking hands, well then i'm afraid I'll have to F'ing insist on building a very large, very high fence. Good luck you bastards; hope the dogs get you.
Mexico 0, USA 2- Two second half goals by the American side; the first was a solid header by Jimmy Conrad (american captain) off a nice corner kick from Landon Donovan (arguably the most famous player on the US team; do a google image search for his wife Monica and you'll see why...). The second score came in the 90th minute, a nice speedy breakaway by Landon D- he toasted 2 mexican defenders before putting the old "shake n bake" on the mexican goalie, then finishing with a strong left.
That being said, the US team did not look so hot; they were having problems with the 1st touch on almost every possession, and the spacing of their position players was way too tight.
Now for the big news......
...after the match the Mexicans walked off the pitch without shaking any of the US player's hands.........this has become a tradition for the Mexican side: in their last 8 matches on US soil they are 0-7-1, and have begun a tradition of not shaking the winning team's hands, a tradition that is ENCOURAGED by the manager of the mexican national club. I've seen some bad sportsmanship in my day (like that guy at the Civic Pub who was trying to tell me that boxing out the dance floor wasn't cool).....but this takes the cake.
With this in mind I strongly suggest that you all send a simple message to your local lawn-mower, garden-trimmer, or cement-layer: this will not be tolerated!...If you insist on not shaking hands, well then i'm afraid I'll have to F'ing insist on building a very large, very high fence. Good luck you bastards; hope the dogs get you.
II. Movie and News
Two weekends ago watched the movie "Goal!: The Dream Begins".....and it rocked. Basic storyline: kid from L.A. gets 'found' by a Brit, and goes to play in the EPL in Newcastle, where lots of smokin hot chicks apparently hang out. Good times ensue.
Now that you have the plot nailed down, let's hear some viewer's reviews of the movie:
My Dad: "That was the best movie about a Mexican-American young man playing soccer in an obscure English city that I have ever seen."
Santa's Helper: "It was great, I can't wait to see the next 2 Goal! movies." (fact: movie is 1st part of a trilogy)
Girlfriend: "He's really cute."
My Mom: "Why don't they use their hands? This is dumb."
Ted: "I'm going to show this to my kids in gym class for motivation. They're mostly Mexican too."
Slinky: "..."
So as you can clearly see everyone was a big fan. Don't waste anymore time, go out and watch it. According to Reuters® Newcastle (located on the far Northeastern coast of England) isn't actually the #1 hangout for european models, but i say bollox to the naysayers.
Ok, here are my favorite true stories from the EPL so far this season:
3. Two held over theft of England captain's boots
London, Oct 24- Two men have been arrested on suspicion of trying to steal the boots of England soccer captain John Terry last week, police said on Tuesday. The men, in their 20s, are accused of entering Chelsea's changing rooms after their 1-0 home victory over Barcelona...
Did you notice that the 2 culprits were in their 20's? It would be the height of hilarity if it turned out that these guys were wasted out of their gourd and decided that sneaking into a locker room to steal footwear ("screw the money, the jerseys, and the keys to the bentley; get the cleats!") was a great idea. Whatever happend, it was clearly a well thought-out plan.
[for number 2 please note that every o has been replaced with a %, for the censors...]
2. Internet p%rn a growing problem for players
AP- Addiction to p%rn%graphy is a growing problem among cash-rich Premiership players with time on their hands, according to Peter Kay, the chief executive of the Sporting Chance clinic. Kay revealed that while there have been high-profile cases of gambling, drink and drug problems among professional footballers, an increasing number are now switching on their laptops and accessing p%rn%graphic websites to fill their time between playing matches and training.
"When you start going into a p%rn site it leads on to other p%rn sites and then maybe more risky material.' Kay told BBC Radio Live Five
I cut some stuff out of here, but holy crap!; and who wouldn't love to have this guy Peter Kay's job? It kinda sounds like he, um, uh, well surfs the web for bad sites, and.......ummm............well........
1. Rooney in restaurant scuffle
AP- Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has allegedly punched fellow Premiership star Michael Gray after the Blackburn defender insulted his fiancee Coleen McLoughlin in a Manchester restaurant. The footballers exchanged words before Rooney, while still seated, gave Gray, who had been drinking, a black eye.
Two things that stuck out here......
1. Rooney gave the guy a black eye. Ok.....while sitting DOWN? Does this guy play soccer or run the local Rex Kwon Doe?? Are we sure his name is Wayne and not Kill Freely?
2. The player on the team that R. Dot Face supports was visibly intoxicated. That's so weird...
Now that you have the plot nailed down, let's hear some viewer's reviews of the movie:
My Dad: "That was the best movie about a Mexican-American young man playing soccer in an obscure English city that I have ever seen."
Santa's Helper: "It was great, I can't wait to see the next 2 Goal! movies." (fact: movie is 1st part of a trilogy)
Girlfriend: "He's really cute."
My Mom: "Why don't they use their hands? This is dumb."
Ted: "I'm going to show this to my kids in gym class for motivation. They're mostly Mexican too."
Slinky: "..."
So as you can clearly see everyone was a big fan. Don't waste anymore time, go out and watch it. According to Reuters® Newcastle (located on the far Northeastern coast of England) isn't actually the #1 hangout for european models, but i say bollox to the naysayers.
Ok, here are my favorite true stories from the EPL so far this season:
3. Two held over theft of England captain's boots
London, Oct 24- Two men have been arrested on suspicion of trying to steal the boots of England soccer captain John Terry last week, police said on Tuesday. The men, in their 20s, are accused of entering Chelsea's changing rooms after their 1-0 home victory over Barcelona...
Did you notice that the 2 culprits were in their 20's? It would be the height of hilarity if it turned out that these guys were wasted out of their gourd and decided that sneaking into a locker room to steal footwear ("screw the money, the jerseys, and the keys to the bentley; get the cleats!") was a great idea. Whatever happend, it was clearly a well thought-out plan.
[for number 2 please note that every o has been replaced with a %, for the censors...]
2. Internet p%rn a growing problem for players
AP- Addiction to p%rn%graphy is a growing problem among cash-rich Premiership players with time on their hands, according to Peter Kay, the chief executive of the Sporting Chance clinic. Kay revealed that while there have been high-profile cases of gambling, drink and drug problems among professional footballers, an increasing number are now switching on their laptops and accessing p%rn%graphic websites to fill their time between playing matches and training.
"When you start going into a p%rn site it leads on to other p%rn sites and then maybe more risky material.' Kay told BBC Radio Live Five
I cut some stuff out of here, but holy crap!; and who wouldn't love to have this guy Peter Kay's job? It kinda sounds like he, um, uh, well surfs the web for bad sites, and.......ummm............well........
1. Rooney in restaurant scuffle
AP- Manchester United striker Wayne Rooney has allegedly punched fellow Premiership star Michael Gray after the Blackburn defender insulted his fiancee Coleen McLoughlin in a Manchester restaurant. The footballers exchanged words before Rooney, while still seated, gave Gray, who had been drinking, a black eye.
Two things that stuck out here......
1. Rooney gave the guy a black eye. Ok.....while sitting DOWN? Does this guy play soccer or run the local Rex Kwon Doe?? Are we sure his name is Wayne and not Kill Freely?
2. The player on the team that R. Dot Face supports was visibly intoxicated. That's so weird...
I. Recap
Whatup and welcome to the blog....evidently these things are the way to do it, so...uh....that's how we're going to do it from now on.
I'm the fuhgina who writes these football emails, but I thought we should begin this new era with a quick recap of the principle parties involved: (idiotspeak: I want to describe the guys that also root for random EPL teams that we have no real connection with)...
(Note: Person's name, followed by their EPL club- and random notes..)
Santa's Helper, Aston Villa- This club was coming on strong before the new year; as of late they've been faltering. Santa's Helper has been a strong supporter through the club's highs and lows.
R. Dot Face, Blackburn- A dirty team for a dirty guy. The Rovers are the most evil and potentially career-threatening club to play against. I'm R. Dot Face and I approved this message.
Chet, Chelsea- A winning team for the prom queen of this group. Chet's club is only 6 points behind Man United for the premiership lead as of today. That does not make Chet happy, and when Chet's not happy employees at yacht clubs everywhere suffer.
Big Bird, Liverpool- My squad is rounding into form as of late- winner's of 5 of their last 6 premiership matches. Also, they have a kickass fight song, sung before and after every match, that was once featured in a Pink Floyd song. Anyone who has ever relaxed knows that that's cool.
The General, Man City- Manchester City was claimed by my roomate, who has always shown an affinity for men. He's the kind of *guy* who would go to a Turkish bath rather than a "asian massage parlor."
SweaterVest, Man United- A fairweather fan, the SweaterVest is [this] close to being deprived of EPL noteworthiness. The sole reason I include him here is due to his preponderous neck and chest hair growth; thus the name SweaterVest.
Ted, Newcastle- A late addition to this non-lovable band of total losers. Ted is the ONLY person with any semblance of a football background; he is now gainfully employed teaching football to mexican americans AKA he is the soccer coach at a high school in CT.
John Q, West Ham- Much like the title character of the movie 'John Q', this cat is close to the edge and he will not hesitate to take some innocents with him= If the season ended today he would be relegated, along with his club.
Now that everyone knows their role, let's look at some of the more intriguing stories from the EPL season so far......but first a movie review....
I'm the fuhgina who writes these football emails, but I thought we should begin this new era with a quick recap of the principle parties involved: (idiotspeak: I want to describe the guys that also root for random EPL teams that we have no real connection with)...
(Note: Person's name, followed by their EPL club- and random notes..)
Santa's Helper, Aston Villa- This club was coming on strong before the new year; as of late they've been faltering. Santa's Helper has been a strong supporter through the club's highs and lows.
R. Dot Face, Blackburn- A dirty team for a dirty guy. The Rovers are the most evil and potentially career-threatening club to play against. I'm R. Dot Face and I approved this message.
Chet, Chelsea- A winning team for the prom queen of this group. Chet's club is only 6 points behind Man United for the premiership lead as of today. That does not make Chet happy, and when Chet's not happy employees at yacht clubs everywhere suffer.
Big Bird, Liverpool- My squad is rounding into form as of late- winner's of 5 of their last 6 premiership matches. Also, they have a kickass fight song, sung before and after every match, that was once featured in a Pink Floyd song. Anyone who has ever relaxed knows that that's cool.
The General, Man City- Manchester City was claimed by my roomate, who has always shown an affinity for men. He's the kind of *guy* who would go to a Turkish bath rather than a "asian massage parlor."
SweaterVest, Man United- A fairweather fan, the SweaterVest is [this] close to being deprived of EPL noteworthiness. The sole reason I include him here is due to his preponderous neck and chest hair growth; thus the name SweaterVest.
Ted, Newcastle- A late addition to this non-lovable band of total losers. Ted is the ONLY person with any semblance of a football background; he is now gainfully employed teaching football to mexican americans AKA he is the soccer coach at a high school in CT.
John Q, West Ham- Much like the title character of the movie 'John Q', this cat is close to the edge and he will not hesitate to take some innocents with him= If the season ended today he would be relegated, along with his club.
Now that everyone knows their role, let's look at some of the more intriguing stories from the EPL season so far......but first a movie review....
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