X. The Trial of John Q

Is it common for a person to be a fan of the Yankees and the Patriots? How does a connection like this start despite the fan in question not being from either New York or northern New England?
-Santa’s Helper

The question refers to John Q., a Southerner and longtime resident of Connecticut who has since been transplanted to Boston. The question stems from their different sports affiliations; Santa’s Helper is a big yanks fan and a former batboy for the club (his all-time favorite clubhouse player remains Tino Martinez), and John Q is a big yanks fan as well.....the schism between the 2 guys occurs when we stray into NFL loyalties; Santa’s Helper is an avid Jets fan whereas John Q is a Pats fan. Now, is it common for a person to be a fan of both the Yankees and the Patriots? Most likely not, but I think we need to examine whether or not it is acceptable for a person to be a fan of the yanks and pats; that’s the real issue.

Bill Simmons (aka The Sports Guy on ESPN, aka the guy who people will accuse me of stealing material from because he is a good writer under the age of 40 who writes about every topic under the sun) has often talked about “sports bigamy” and how it’s an unpardonable sin and how fans who are sports bigamists are losers and yadda yadda yadda. An example of sports bigamy: a 49er’s fan that also roots for the Chiefs because Larry Johnson is the ‘best running back with serious daddy issues’ ever. In short, a sports bigamist is one who roots for two teams that can potentially compete against each other, so clearly John Q is not guilty of sports bigamy for rooting for a football team from beantown and a baseball club from the Bronx. Maybe a better description of John Q’s sports situation might be “conflicting sports interests.”

For the sake of this argument, I’m going to make some assumptions because we’re dealing with a conflict between 2 different sports and thus different fan bases for each sport. I assume that (A) Patriots fans, being from the New England sticks, are largely Red Sox fans….(B) Yankees fans, being based around the Tri-state area, are largely Jets/Giants fans.

Anyone who has ever had a pulse and even the faintest appreciation for the majesty of athletic competition knows that the first principle of being a true fan is to sit on your ass and badmouth the rivals of your team. So where does this leave John Q- does he rip on the Jets (the Patriots chief AFC East rivals) when he’s kicking it with other Yankees fans on a 95 degree day in the Bronx? Sure, of course, absolutely, and YES. But the crux of the situation is this; what does John Q do when he’s at a Patriots game, or some Boston bahh, surrounded by patriots/red sox fans and they start ripping on the Yankees (an inevitable situation)? My guess is that he tucks his junk behind his legs (a la Buffalo Bill) and settles into a respectful silence. After all, the guys badmouthing the yanks are Patriots fans; they’re his boys in some respect, right?

There is a wide spectrum of intensity exhibited by different fans of different teams: some guys who claim to be fans care a little too much, while others just go through the motions of being a fan and really don’t give 2 craps about the team, and still other people are fans of sports in general but don’t pledge themselves to one particular team, they just go through a series of Fan One-Night-Stands. Just looking at some people I know I can get a feel for the differences between the casual fan and the real deal. Sparkles is a Jets “fan” who thinks Wayne Chrebet is still on the team, doesn’t have the slightest idea when the team plays, if told the NFL season runs from April to August would probably agree, and thinks that an NFL game is 4 innings long. Back in college R.Dot owned a Red Sox hat, told everyone what a big Mets fan he was, but went to Yankees games. On the other side of the fan spectrum, MattLo knows the name of every Georgetown men’s basketball player dating back to 1963, openly wept when he met Craig Esherick, and has been known to sleep in his Georgetown shorts for several weeks running….so maybe he cares just a little too much. Where does each of us fit in the fan spectrum? More to the point of this article, what does it mean to be a “good” or quality supporter of your team and do conflicting interests ruin a person’s best intentions as a fan?

The best part of being a fan for any team, be it the East Mannesquan's womens Ice Hockey team or the New York Giants, is that you care about that team. You care whether they win or lose, you care whether or not they’re a team you can really get behind (try being a Knicks fan these days, I dare you), you care if a beloved player leaves the team, and you really really really care when some douschebag has the gall to talk crap about your team. It then becomes your responsibility and duty as an American to man the trenches and fire back in defense of your team. There are some situations where keeping your mouth shut is excusable for safety’s sake (see: BC student at UConn game; visiting team's fan at Giants Stadium after Eli just threw his 4th interception and the fat guys in LT jerseys are getting restless; white supremacist in Compton; a fan of Santa and the Christmas spirit at an Eagle’s home game; etc.) but these occasions when keeping your mouth shut is Ok are few and far between.

I think John Q is a good fan of each of his teams individually. He follows both teams avidly, and while he might not be the most knowledgeable fan ever (he has been known to plagiarize his positions on sports issues directly from ESPN) he certainly seems to care about his teams, but the conflict between the two opposing fan bases is real and tactile. You can see for yourself the next time you go to a yanks game and a guy walks in wearing a patriots jersey, or a guy walks into a boston bar wearing a Giants shirt; the other fans see it and they do NOT approve. I find John Q guilty of sports confliction, because chances are he has sat idly by and listened to some Boston schlub rant about the hated Yankees without speaking up in their defense (what should be his defense, if you can dig it).


Now, because I preach equality and the American Dream, I will put up some of John Q’s statements in his defense…..everything below is his material. I sent him an email asking him for his favorite yanks player, patriots player, where he was born (why is he a pats/yanks fan) yadda yadda yadda….

John Q’s Defense

I’ll fire this to you real quick, I’m exceedingly busy (been working 12 hour days) but I’ll make time for this,

Favorite Yankee Player: My Main Man Melky (Cabrera), I heart this kid in a big way, he’s a love life kind of guy and who doesn’t remember that AWESOME catch he made against the red sux over the wall to rob Manny of the home run? I get goosebumps thinking about it. Also, I heard he shares an apartment in New Jersey with Robinson Cano; Cmac and myself turned that into a running gag that they live in a studio apartment together in some slummy part of NJ, where they absolutely destroy, how can I say this, voluptuous dark women. How could you not love this guy, I don’t even think he can speak English, so Cano’s nice enough to translate for him while they’re at the club macking game on those women that they then take back to the 5th floor walk-up studio.

Favorite Patriot Player: Tom Brady, it used to be Troy Brown, but now that I know T-Brad-Y is having a kid out of wedlock with a former girlfriend I can’t help but love it! For some reason I get the feeling that he’s going to be a real deadbeat dad and go against the golden boy image that way, like flying into a drunken rage at his kids birthday party at the Discovery Zone that he wasn’t invited to, and hiding in the ball pit until the cops drag him out, like something that you see on Cops: Rhode Island.

State I was born in: Many people think that I was born in “Hot-lanta”, this is actually a misconception I run into fairly often, while I am from the “dirty dirty” I was actually born in Raleigh, North Carolina, home of UNC, Wake Forest, and your favorite team ever Duke! Up until kindergarten it was home to me. Just in case you were wondering, Raleigh’s top exports are= gun violence, soybeans, and me.

Favorite part of going to a Yankee’s game: Oh man, where to begin on this one. It’s either routinely blacking out by the 5th inning, the rampant and often unruly betting action that takes place (wagering on such things as which 8 year old will be the first one to reach the bottom of the bleacher stairs), telling R.Dot that “this is the week we do the 9-9-9” which if you don’t know is the marathon of drinking nine beers, eating nine hot dogs, over the course of nine innings; it’s impossible I’m sure, like me climbing Everest or you giving up alcohol. I think the best thing about going to a Yankee’s game is laughing hysterically when members of our group scream at 12 year olds in Red Sox jerseys.