VII. Benitez fines fifteen players

Note- All text in quotes is from a recent AP article

“Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez prepared for Wednesday night's Champions League clash with Barcelona by fining 15 of his players for their part in the squad's headline-grabbing, boozy end to their trip to Portugal last week.
The Liverpool manager is incensed that preparations have been overshadowed by reports of drunken brawls and has already fined striker Craig Bellamy two weeks' wages for attacking John Arne Riise.
The Daily Mirror claims that another 14 players from the 22-man squad will also be hit in the pocket and The Sun reports that fines will total a club record £150,000 once all participants are dealt with.
Although Benitez won't identify those involved in the post karaoke shenanigans at the exclusive Monty's restaurant and bar in Vale Do Lobo Liverpool goalkeeper Jerzy Dudek has spoken of the incident on his official website
'Most of the press printed strange, unreal stories concerning our going out for supper to the nearest restaurant, while we were in Portugal,' Dudek said. 'Among others, I have read, that I wanted to beat up the policeman, was handcuffed and detained by the police. Nothing of that kind happened.”

Let me paint you a picture of Dudek: he’s the backup goalie, so chances are he won’t see the field in the upcoming Champions League match against Barca (Barcelona). So, knowing that he's not likely to play this week and his sole responsibility is to keep it real, what are the odds on Dudek emulating other notorious pre-game stunters like a Eugene Robinson (soliciting undercover cop), Barrett Robbins (went crazy and forgot who he was) or a Ray Lewis (killing a man)? Collectively let’s say it’s 50/50. So shouldn’t we consider him a champion of goodness for only orchestrating a karaoke-themed party that turned sour? I vote yes.

The other main character here is Craig Bellamy, a 23 year old striker from Wales who was hyped up mightily in the pre-season. He’s been a big disappointment so far this season and now the rumor is that he’ll be sold to another club shortly. Aston Villa and Blackburn have already made it clear that they’re interested in signing him to a deal. Here’s the rundown on the trouble this kid has gotten into:
• February 2002 Receives a caution for hitting a woman in a nightclub
• March 2003 Charged with racially aggravated harassment outside a nightclub but later acquitted
• March 2004 Throws a chair at John Carver, Newcastle's assistant manager
• September 2006 Fights in tunnel before match with his Newcastle coach Terry McDermott
• November 2006 Bellamy cleared of assaulting teenage girl in a nightclub
Source: The Guardian

So, my question for Craig Bellamy is this: can you believe that your final offense during your tumultuous tenure at Liverpool was a karaoke fight? You did all these crazy thuggish things, and yet you're going to ultimately get released for your role in a fight that took place at a swinging karaoke bar. Can you imagine how bad this guy’s friends are ripping him apart right now? Literally right now one of Craig’s friends just made a joke about his sweet karaoke fight and everyone in the vicinity broke into country-club laughter.

My boy Craig has quickly joined Ron Artest and the University of Miami football team in my Brawling Hall of Fame. I can picture Bellamy being a savage party-hound and total detriment to the team and team unity. Of course I’m just guessing here and could be totally wrong. My characterization of Bellamy might be slightly more accurate if I actually knew who this man was 45 minutes ago and/or didn’t live 3,000 miles away from The Scene. For all I know Bellamy might legitimately be a huge karaoke fan and Riise had stolen the microphone from him; sometimes a man just needs to fight.

“Despite Bellamy allegedly attacking team-mate Riise with a golf club the fiery Welshman is expected to start against Barca at the Nou Camp.”

Oh, did I forget to mention that our boy Craig had a freaking weapon? And what THE F were golf clubs doing at a Karaoke bar? I don’t know if ‘karaoke golf’ exists as a sport yet, or if John Mellencamp has made a song about it yet, but I don’t think we want any part of it. Wouldn’t it be the icing on the cake if it turns out that Bellamy had actually brought the golf club with him, or better yet that he employs bodyguards straight from Bond movies so that they have an odd ensemble of weapons? Imagine a scenario where Bellamy gives his bodyguard Bruno Lovely instructions, something to the effect of ‘use the nine iron this time, save the inflatable rubber swimmies and the jar of piranhas for another time.’

I may have lost some people on that analogy but I want to make clear just how much I now expect out of crazy Craig Bellamy. If he isn’t in the news doing crazy stuff soon I’m going to be pissed, given that he was last seen wielding a golf club in a karaoke bar with the intent to harm.


By the way, for all the non-EPL fans out there it is most definitely not too late to sign up as a Liverpool fan. Trust me when I say that Liverpool is the club to root for, and I promise no less than 3 episodes of karaoke violence per week.



Why are you so good at the pass-out game?
-Zycki

For those people who are in the dark, pass-out is a game in which you compete against your girlfriend or spouse to see which one of you can literally pass-out first. Just to be clear, I am totally joking here and making this up. Anyway, as Zycki has alluded to I am the all-time greatest player at this game and will continue to dominate the field for years to come. So the next time you see me snoozing in the corner of the room, just know this: I won again.